Greetings from Crouch End Au-Pair

Crouch End Tesco Job Application Form

2008-02-03T03:48:00.000-08:00

Availability to work:
You probably know that we are a 24 hour, 7 day a week business. To help us find the right position for you, please let us know the hours that best suit you.

Anytime

Are you applying for a Full or Part-time job? Full time (36.5 hrs per week) Part time If you are applying for a Full Time job would you accept a part time job
instead? Yes No

I takes anything

Monday
Earliest Start
Time (am/pm)
Latest Finish
Time (am/pm)
Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday

Very hard worker

Criminal Convictions
Have you been convicted of any criminal offences, which are not yet
spent under rehabilitation? (Offender Act 1974)

Uncle Hendrik give family bad name with stolen tank tyres from Red Army.

Please give details:
Driving Licence (Please only answerthese questions if you are applying fora dotcom driving vacancy)
I have a full UK driving licence (or EU equivalent)
I have held my licence for two years or more
I have three points or less on my licence
I have never been convicted of drink or drug related driving offences
I am 21 years of age or older

Am watching Jeremy Clarkson TV programme for the driving tips before I start.

Yes No
Yes No
Yes No
Yes No
Yes No

Previous Employment
(We may contact these to obtain references. Any job offer would then be subject to satisfactory references).

My last two employers were:
Name: Bella Markham
Address: 48 Merryfields Avenue, Crouch End, London N8 1NB
Joined: November 07
The position I held was Au- pair to family.
Reason for leaving: Husband is leaving

Name: Enno Kukk
Address: Flamingo Cafe, Polva, Estonia
Joined: September 05
The position I held was Waitress and hospitality helper
Reason for leaving: Ambition to see world and Crouch End

If your application is successful when could you start?
Now please

A Legend is Born ...

2008-01-31T00:26:00.000-08:00

Is accident I found this on Sven’s laptop after I press wrong button.

A legend is born …
Introducing the new global face of Destiny plc Men’s Range Products

Finding the right person to match one of the best-known and best-loved brands in the world was never going to be easy. When it was announced that we were searching for an ambassador to reflect our core values of aspiration, creativity, hope, health, self-empowerment and energy, we were inundated with suggestions from people across every land. This unique person would need to have the beauty of Brando, the charisma of Kennedy, the originality of Einstein. We wanted a person whose looks were amazing and yet beneath the surface was also a deep spiritual being who could be entrusted with our mission statement. We had never imagined that the search for this special person would be a journey that would take us across every continent as we attempted to match our dreams with realities. Not since the contest for the star role in Gone With The Wind has there been such a search and among the most eligible people on the face of the earth. But, after a long journey that has taken literally thousands of hours, we are finally able to announce our choice.

As in an earlier arrival that had such momentous consequences for human history ever after, it was an inauspicious beginning for our new global face. A humble start on the outskirts of Stockholm in Sweden where he played football with his brothers next to the beautiful blue Baltic Sea, never dreaming that he was born for much greater things. A hard-working and entrepreneurial student who had his heart set on an acting career from an early age. A year in London where he would rub shoulders with some of the most glittering names in the art and fashion world, becoming the prodigy of well-known gallery owner Antony Self and his wife Cressida, and from where he would begin to complete the circle of his true destiny. It was as if we both knew that one day both our destinies would meet and an electrifying synergy be born. His name is Sven Appelson and from 1 February 2008 he will be the worldwide representative for our brand. The board of Destiny plc looks forward to welcoming Sven to their global headquarters in New York on this date, after which he will be working across all media platforms to take their range of after-shave, moisturising and exfoliating products to even more exciting heights. Sven Appelson will be based in New York and, will, without a doubt be the best-known model for the decade to come. A new legend is born ….

For more information please contact Tiffany Soames Destiny PR: 212 668 2500

I Told Tom About My Decision Last Night

2008-01-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Monika

I hope you had a good break. I told Tom about my decision last night. I might at least have expected him to scream or call me a cow or unfair or at least to defend himself. I was even expecting a degree of breakages, er, if much could be found that isn’t already stuck together with Blu-Tak or artfully balanced wreckage to let a long line of grumpy cleaning ladies think we’re slightly Bohemian and can’t be having with proper repairs like normal people. But he hardly said a thing except could his subscription to Psychogeography Today be re-directed. I think I was angry at him for not being angry. I mean, this isn’t normal behaviour, is it? I’ve been living with a human sloth or a Vulcan all these years and have been in denial. As usual I do all the talking and am made to feel like shit and he gets off scott-free. But this is the last time this is happening because Tom will be moving out of Merryfields Avenue for good at the end of the week. I told him he could have Maureen and family to keep him company but he said no.

This brings me to a very difficult matter. I think you are aware of our current financial situation. I’m afraid there’s no longer going to be enough money to pay your wages, Monika. I’m going to have to let you go. I know somebody with your aptitudes won’t have any difficulty finding another job and I’m very happy to provide references.

Thanks once again for your invaluable help.

Bella x

P.S If you’d like to take Maureen and family with you I quite understand.

I Closes Door and I Never Wants to Open. Ever.

2008-01-29T01:13:00.000-08:00

We back in room. I closes door and I never wants to open. Ever.

On Sunday morning we do cleaning quiet-like (Cressida and Antony still in bed; you not creative person if you is worrying at early hour about dustbin bags and if tomatoes and shaggy carpet they now permanent together). Sven he say ‘It is a pity you have not yet had the proper English country experience.’ I say not to worry as we has had enough experiences this weekend, but he say no problem. He take us all to stand outside traditional English public house (drinking place where old men likes to look at you). We is seeing a fox hunt.

I not know why either but I is in England and I must do. Is favourite of HRH Charles and Queen Camilla, so is of very greatest interest. I not know why they cannot hunt for proper size animals and is very eccentric like English. It will not surprise you that they also likes to stand in anorak clothes and make writings about trains at stations all day. I is still explaining the Red Nose Day to Mrs Awale so I think I leave this one for time being.

Sven he explain that the English likes to see fox hunting people on Christmas cards with plenty snow and to cry as this reminds them of days past. I say I only cry because little foxes being killed but he say I not to worry as they not allowed to kill foxes no more and they chasing a sock. So they is still being very eccentric you will be pleased to hear.

There is sound of loud trumpets and men in red clothes on horses and many dogs sniffing us. They has whips and swords and it look like army has arrived and they is coming to arrest us. English people is all raising drink glasses and saying ‘cheers’ and I tells Sven to see if they has caught any socks but he says he cannot see. Sven know so much, I think, and I so little. I know that my friend Kaja's Mart is expert on European guttering but Sven is man who know everything you asking him. I feel it was more needed for her to make sure Mart was right person and have trial period before she committed to buying toasted sandwich maker together.

But then I see Mrs Awale and Ahmed is disappeared. I asks to English people next to us and they say they seen two ethnics run across the fields when fox hunters come. The lady say they look real scared as if they think the men are coming to take them. We is rushing off into countryside. I say to Sven we must ring police but he look at me: I forgets they is illegal people who HRH Queen want arrested. We spends afternoons calling in our loudest voices, until I can call no more and it is dark. But they is nowhere. Only the sound of wild animals doing nasty things once more.

I so cold and cannot get warm and I go back up creaky stairs into bed by myself. I remembering our Estonian proverb. The devil does not always wear boots – he sometimes come bare foot. I think there is always something.

Is Psychic Speed Dating Missing From Your Life?

2008-01-28T00:53:00.000-08:00

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Stop press … Stop press … Stop press … Stop press … Stop press

Launch of Perfect Partners at Valentine’s Day Singles Night
Tesco, The Broadway, Crouch End, London N814 3BK
14 February 2007, 7.30 – 9.30pm
· Free complimentary glass of sparkling Cava
· Free mini-toiletries
· Free delivery service

I wake up in our lovely warm bed

2008-01-25T01:44:00.000-08:00

I wake up early in our lovely warm bed. I think I am the luckiest person ever and I never want it to end. But I know it must when Josh and Ahmed come into room and Ahmed say ‘are you both dead Monika and Sven?’ and they prodding us with light sabre thing. ‘Why are you not wearing any clothes?’ he ask us. I say hot and he cheeky little boy. Josh say they is looking for Sven and we must go downstairs.

I never see Cressida so pleased to see me and Mrs Awale. ‘Oh, how lovely to see you,’ she say. ‘It was so nice of you to come.’ She wearing white coat that will never have the dirty marks on it. Her voice sound kissing like and grateful as if we is saving her life. ‘Oh, Olga,’ she look at me tearful-like. ‘Our caterers have let us down at the last minute because of flu or something and I’ve got eighty people coming this evening.’ I think she will cry but she hold off long enough to give me and Mrs Awale long list for village shop and packet of forty J Cloth. I is meeting Antony on stairs, in white also. He say ‘how nice to meet you again, Svetlana. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of each other this weekend.’

They is wanting Sven to stay behind for helping so rest of us goes to village. Is asleep-like place having nice small houses with hairy tops and people that is doing a lot of standing and staring. They is looking at Mrs Awale and Ahmed as if they invaders from space and Mrs Awale is worried they be arrested. London is lots of multiculturals and restaurants. But here in countryside there is only fish and chips (eated in newspaper) and people waiting at bus stop (never comes).

Shop person when they see Mrs Awale ask is she Naomi Campbell because they know Cressida has lots of famous people with her. Josh is quiet for a moment and then he say we not allowed to say anything because is private event and his parents do not want the OK Magazine to know. Someone ask if she will give her autograph. Soon is others too and Josh say Ahmed will sign for her as Naomi does not like touching other people’s dirty things and they is to understand she also likes to receive a small fee. When they complains her name is not spelt right Josh say that is way Naomi like to spell it as you cannot expect someone to be top in the spelling and fashion and they would not like her to get violent otherwise. We nearly forgets our order as shop person is allowed to shake hand of Mrs Awale and says she will not wash it for a week.

We spends afternoon in kitchen. Cressida call us ‘a blessing in disguise’. There will be a Moroccan theme for the party and she is sure Mrs Awale will do some of her native dishes. I very pleased as last time I did falafel it vanish into frying pan. I know that back in her country Mrs Awale wife of important man in government with big house and full electricity. But I decide Cressida not be wanting to know that. Is best she believe Mrs Awale useful for the cooking so she is alright to be there. Is then Sven come in kitchen and ask if we is alright. I know Sven look by now and when I hear gentle stammer I know he saying something he not want to say. ‘The party this evening won’t be very long, Monika, and we will be together afterwards.’ ‘You means Sven Appelson, Monika is not invited and you too embarrassed to tell me.’ He look embarrassed. I not mind. I only has old jeans and jumper from the Primark., I tell him. Then Josh and Ahmed they goes off while we does the preparation.

Is only later when we has finished, Mrs Awale and me goes for quick walk. We decide to go to her room and spend evening watching Strictly Dancing (bad English dancing) and Casualty (bad English hospitals) on TV with some nice food. But is then Josh and Ahmed meet us and tell us to go to shed. I cannot believe eyes, because is beautiful dress hanging there next to lawn mower and spade things. ‘We borrowed this specially for Ahmed’s mum, there were loads of them lying around, ‘ says Josh. ‘It’s second hand,’ he add in case we worry. I not seen Mrs Awale so happy for long time. I helps her put it on and I say she will be able to do her dancing with the television programmes this evening. She look like proper Arab woman with so many colours in dress it make Joseph and his Coat of Many Colours look like Latvian drain cleaner. Josh apologise that there is nothing for me but they couldn’t find right things in my size.

There is much talk and laughing from the house. Is many sounds because window is open with Moroccan lamps like tiny houses and candles pretending it is Marakesh. Then suddenly the people are doing the clapping and saying we must come in.

There is colourful sheets from ceiling and many cushions on floor where people is smoking (not the cigarettes) and drinking and having close relations with each other. They is all doing their kissy kissy like the birds pecking on the grass, with men doing to men also but they is artistic people so no one is minding. Then is Cressida about to explode like a bomb. She say ‘my dress, she’s wearing my Vivienne Westwood.’ But then is big applause that fill room like wave and they is saying to her:

‘Cressida, it’s fantastic – you didn’t tell us you were bringing in whirling dervish.’
‘It’s a high-point, darling. You did this to get into Londoner’s Diary, didn’t you?’
‘You know, Momo is going to be so green.’

Josh and Ahmed is talking to Mrs Awale. ‘They think you Arab lady,‘ Ahmed explain to mother. ‘You not Naomi Cambell now.’ She look more confused than I see her yet. ‘Mum, they want you to do some dancing.’ Mrs Awale she not moving. ‘I know,’ say Josh and he disappear. The next thing we is hearing The Tweenies Song and is Josh and Ahmed doing the dancing and is moving Mrs Awale around like she spinning top, poor lady. Sven is coming up to me and in dark we can do more than bird pecking.
‘What a brilliant concept, Cressida,’ say woman with green hair like pile of twigs.
‘It’s like Dada meets situationism meets a children’s birthday party. I think you should seriously think about submitting it for the Turner Prize. Where do you get your ideas from?’
‘Er, I just let them emerge organically,’ say Cressida.
When music end we fall down on cushions and there is more drinking. Josh and Ahmed go round with collecting bowl for Mrs Awale. Sven he say ‘Excuse me, Monika, I need to meet some people before they go. I hope you don’t mind.’ Moment he is gone Antony come up to me. ‘Thank you for a very nice piece of added value. It was very amusing.’ I say it not me. He say I very modest little person. Antony he smoking the not-cigarettes like many others. He has shirt open so that I see he has white chest hair like old sheep and I am expecting him to do the baa baa. He ask me if I want to cool off in garden and before I know he has led me outside. Is cold and I hear party noises but it feel like million miles from people I know. He want to show me garden, he say. I say I already seen it, but he take my hand. Is so dark I not see anything but then I feel his hand is trying to take off my Primark and he is saying rude word. Instead he make me feel his chest: is like hoirrid blanket you sleep on at relatives that once in Red Army. Is then puts my hand on another part and say ‘You probably now that Cressida and I have an open marriage. I’m afraid I don’t know what that is in Finnish but, put it like this, it means we’ll never be in a situation where we have to divide up our Margaret Drabbles.’ I make scream but music so loud no one hear me. The next I know is big cry and then Antony is not there. I hear sound from bush like cow that has fallen into big hole and knows it will never get out of. ‘Are you alright Monika?’ I hear a whispering. I say yes and Sven is taking me across garden to shed place. He close door and we sit on floor. Is only light from part of a moon but I not scared now. I feel arm around me.
‘Please,’ I say. ‘Is only horrible drunk man. But what will Antony say to you?’
‘He didn’t see me. It is alright.’ There is silence between us. ‘You are probably wondering why I stay with them.’
‘It is none of my business,’ I say
‘They let me meet people who are useful for my future. You see these,’ Sven undoes his jacket and shows me business cards on floor like it game of poker.
‘These are all artistic people: gallery owners, an advertising agency director, a video producer, magazine editors … and they all want to work with me. They think I have something.’
‘Good,’’ I say. ‘It is good. We all know you have something.’
‘It won’t always be like this, Monika, I promise.’
‘Of course,’ I say and then we is quiet and I is thinking I must be so much in love as I am not even worried about the spiders or the other nasty ones.

I've been doing a monologue performance that outrivalled Thora Hird

2008-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

Tom, please see me this evening at 8.30pm tonight. Bella

O.K. Shall I bring extra Post-Its? Tom

Why? Bella

Because we’re not talking Tom

No, I would like some real talking and listening to take place for once. Do you think you can do some practising? Bella

Fine, will do. Tom

It’s a shame we’re no longer talking, I agree, especially after our meeting. But as you don’t appear to listen to a word I say, there doesn’t seem much point, does there? You might not have noticed that I don’t always like what I have to do either. Have you ever thought about that? But I do it, because I know if I don’t we won’t have any money. Knowing our Booker long list of unpaid bills I would have thought the least you could do was attempt to stay in a job for more than one day. I mean half of the population of India seems to be able to sell products no one wants on a daily basis to millions of people. They probably aren’t over-excited about wipe-easy steak grills either and it may well offend their aesthetic sensibilities too but they just get on with it. IT’S CALLED MAKING A FUCKING EFFORT. I’m now totally convinced that for fourteen years I’ve been doing a monologue performance that outrivalled Thora Hird but, alas, I’ve never had an audience. I’ve been like some dozy student at the Edinburgh Festival who no one wants to see no matter how many humiliating leaflets she gives out. Will you:
Clean out Maureen and babies
Put her back on Scientific Diet
Open newspapers at recruitment pages
Do the shopping
Do something about the 1994 Mini Milks frozen onto the inside of the freezer wall.
Bella

I is in episode of Brideshead Revisited

2008-01-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe! I really cannot believe I is in episode of Brideshead Revisited or Upstairs Downstairs (I see on Tallinn Cable Gold Channel: they has palaces and rich people we not allowed in Estonia for many years as is better to drive tractor and sing socialist folk song with nylon headscarf).

It dark when we arrive at house in Oxford countryside, at place long distance from the Argos warehouses and mini-roundabouts we pass in car. It like fairy tale with warm light from window and the loveliest curtains. Is even older than Buckingham Palace and goes back to time of the King Henry, who has eight or ten wives, he is probably forgetting sometimes too.

Sven unlock front door and say: ‘Cressida and Antony won’t be here until the morning, but a person has come in to make sure it is nice for everyone.’ Is big log fire and food all ready for us with rug that must have come from time of woolly mammoth. Mrs Awale and Ahmed say their good nights and they is doing their tip toeing away. Is so quiet, all you is hearing is Sven and mine’s breathing. He tell me there will be a special party for tomorrow for the artistic people but it is good we are alone now. We drink the red wine and I think we is like Royal HMH couple ourselves except no one is complaining about how much we is costing them.

P.S Since you probably asking, Sven has lap top from his modelling people and he let me use. I typing in big bed (!) and it have valley in middle I keep rolling into where big person, probably Henry Eight once sleep, but now it is Sven! I thinking how Sven and I is now a couple like my friend Kaja and Mart except I has left Polva and no more has boy Vladislav asking if I wish to listen him playing Stairway to Heaven on electric guitar again.

Hallo. This is not a sales call.

2008-01-21T01:09:00.000-08:00

Message 1: 12.57pm

Hallo. This is not a sales call. Have you ever wondered why you’re not using your patio in January? Is it because you think it’s too cold? But it needn’t be! Not with PowerMate stylish and smart patio heaters that bring you instant heat at the flick of a switch. Just imagine those Sunday mornings from now on sitting outside with a coffee and croissant reading your newspaper. And remember that just by replying to this message you could be the lucky winner of a luxurious out of season cruise break to the Faeroe Islands. Thank you, er, Tom.

Message 2: 14.45pm

Hallo, Tom again. Do you think you could return the previous call, please.

Message 3: 15.08pm

Please phone back. I need to sell something today.

Message 4: 17.46pm

Don’t bother. I’ve been sacked.

Thank you for listening to me last night, Monika

2008-01-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

Thank you for listening to me last night, Monika – much appreciated. It really does feel as if I’m living with four children, except the fourth one is the most childish and adolescent, only I can’t ground him or cut off his pocket money. It’s strange that the other three can’t wait to be adults while Tom can’t wait to be ten again, give or take a few unfortunate biological facts. By the way, I can now see how Estonian Spirit of International Co-operation Birch Liquor has fortified your national heroes through centuries of troubled history. It was a lovely idea for a Christmas present.

I’m sure this isn’t what your mother thought she was sending you to and I apologise. I didn’t mean to cry and it was so nice of you to give me your complete set of hand embroidered handkerchiefs. As I mentioned, I can’t talk to my own mother because she always thought he was the wrong man, especially when he told her she had a petit bourgeois attitude to commodity fetishisation and was a victim of late global capitalism. Can you imagine what it was like introducing your future partner as a psychogeographer? I might as well have said he was a medium level pornographer, at least they would have seen it as potentially profitable. It was interesting what you said about your parents only having a real connection through their in-depth knowledge of beetroots. I sometimes feel this with my parents, except it’s more like carpeting in their case. It was nice of you to say it wasn’t because I had a career that things have gone pear-shaped. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Please, I mean anyone would think I was the one who couldn’t hold down a job and sat at home doing annoying things with my slippers. I could be a better employer to you Monika, I know. You’ve been so good and haven’t troubled me with your personal affairs. Is everything alright? We might need some more guinea pig food.

Bella x

Maureen has had twelve babies

2008-01-16T00:55:00.000-08:00

Permasales International
P.O Box 2568
Milton Keynes, MK98 S39

14 January 2007

Dear Tom

We would like to offer you a position as sales executive for Permasales International. As a result of our rigorous selection procedure we feel you have the skills and qualifications needed to provide customer information about our extensive range of quality products to discerning home owners.

Your line manager Ms Chelsea Drake looks forward to meeting you on 21 January for your induction. Please note we ask our employees not to wear body studs or clothing of a sexually explicit nature and hoods are not allowed inside our premises.

All best wishes

Yours sincerely

pp. Rajad Patel, Sales Director, Permasales International

Message 4: 11.49am

Tom, tell me this isn’t happening. I’m not really standing outside a Docklands conference suite telling you how not to faint. Maureen will stop having babies eventually. It’s a law of nature especially if she’s already had ten, there can’t be that many left. Have a look to make sure. You know where. I should give her some water but I expect she’ll just feel like a rest. I’m crying. Over a guinea pig’s multiple birth. Give me a moment. I’ve just told some colleagues we’ve had some good news from the children’s Kumon tutor. It’s so primal, there must be some umbilical connection between women of all kinds everywhere. Oh, God, I’ve got six clients negotiating away without me while I’m doing fellow feeling with a single parent guinea pig. Do you think Mrs Willoughby knows what actually goes on in her classroom? And your job, I nearly forgot. It’s wonderful news. I always knew you could do it. I’m going to start again. I’ve got to go.

Fay’s Diary

15 January

Maureen has had twelve babies. Theo and I can’t decide whether to call them after the Arsenal Team or Girls Aloud. We want to sell them on eBay and go to Disneyland. Much better than my idea to sell all my Barbies to Year 1s and say they are only Bratzes that need feeding. I hope they don’t use this as an excuse to explain to us the facts of life. Excuse me, we haven’t been watching EastEnders for the last six years for nothing. You always know that if Dot Cotton is upset there must be something rude. Mrs Willoughby has shown us it with horrible Cabbage Patch Dolls anyway. I think they were lesbians.

Have been told I can't go to Disneyland

2008-01-15T01:09:00.000-08:00

Fay’s Diary

14 January

Dear Diary

Have been told I can’t go to Disneyland with the rest of the class because we can’t afford it. I suppose I will have to sit with the school secretary so that everyone knows how poor we are. I will have to follow her around the school cleaning up everyone’s sick instead. I have an idea but I will not be telling anyone at the moment. It is Top Secret.

Tom, I did explain that searching for a new job is a career in itself. We need you sitting at your desk, going through the newspapers and sending off applications. And it might help your self esteem if you weren’t sitting there in pyjama tops like one of those tubercular characters in a D.H.Lawrence novel.

Please check Maureen is OK. She was making a strange squeaking noise when I left. Under no circumstances will there be a replacement or a repetition of the Gilda the Goldfish I – XIII scenario. If she is, er, going on a journey from which no traveller returns we can use it to introduce the children to the death concept as sensitively as possible.

Tom, remove Maureen’s bowl of Cornflakes. I don’t want anyone to think we poisoned her. God, I’m supposed to be in a meeting today with high-powered international clients, not worrying about a guinea pig’s nutritional requirements.

Bella

I have urgent news. I start at beginning.

2008-01-14T05:16:00.000-08:00

I have urgent news. I start at beginning.

On way from school today I see our lollipop lady. She is singing song in Irish language too complicated to explain ever. She see I down in the rubbish dump – English expression for you is depressed – and does her cheer-up thing. She still wearing her reindeer antlers and tinsel and say ‘Christmas isn’t over, darling, ‘til the fat man squeaks.’ I not understand either. She sees Monika about to do her blubbering and gives her a big hug – is lots of glittering of her tinsel. Then she lets me look in her hole. We sees new curries, the lottery tickets, picture of Father Christmas selling computers. Mrs G tell me to make wish again. I stare at curry with yellow sultanas and make it. She wave her lollipop and say ‘Have you ever known my hole to let us down yet?’ I say thank you and walk across road, only car come and Mrs G must run out and hit with lollipop as if knight’s sword. ‘There,’ she say. ‘we don’t want nasty 4 x 4s to spoil our wishes do we?’

Is only minute later I sees him. My Sven! But is with Cressida Self woman. Why Sven not tell me he back? Why is he with woman he say he not want to be with no more? I takes your advice that I not to let him think I am desperate person to see him again. Men, you is right, need to come running to us women and not to let think we cannot live a moment without them near. It was good you don’t speak to Mart for a week as surely it is this make him worry and love you even more and buy you Joan Rivers fashion diva brooch, bracelet and earring set you was wanting. I goes into telephone box which is nearby and pretend to make telephone call except I then realises there is no telephone. It has been stolen. This is unlucky. It not good idea to stand in telephone box unless you make telephone call. But then door opens. ‘Hallo, Monika.’ I am still remembering your words, honestly, as I am falling into Sven’s arms and he kiss me and I lay head on his furry collar. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch,’ he say with apologies. ‘Things they just got crazy again, as soon as I got back. I hope you will forgive me.’ I not say anything. I not know if I thinking anything. ‘I did some thinking in Stockholm, Monika. I met with some friends who are now actors in Sweden and they are either unemployed or are trying to appear in the adverts for Domestos. I now see if I am to fulfil my dream of being a real actor I will need more money. I have told my modelling agency I wish to continue.’

Sven he now look down even guiltier as I am sure he will next say that we will stay friends but that is all. I feel my stomach going down the stairs but is never reaching the bottom.
‘I would like you to come with me to the English countryside for a long weekend,’ he say.
‘You mean….’ I says, ‘together?’

‘Both of us, Monika. I have never been to Oxfordshire. I have heard it’s very beautiful. In a house that goes back to the time of the Elizabethans and has big fires with logs.’
And all this time I worrying he not bothering with me and is finding girls with long blonde hair like out of Hollyoaks (TV series I watch with children while we has fish fingers – only moderate sex and bad talking). Everything that is going round my head swirling like thick vegetable soup it now comes out in one word: YES.

‘… Antony and Cressida have asked me to look after Josh as they will be entertaining friends there.’
‘Us in the same house as her?’ My stomach go back up stairs to where it was previous.
‘It’s their house, Monika. It belonged to Antony’s father. I didn’t explain properly. Cressida has offered me my old room back while my modelling work is being arranged. But I will only have to look after Josh at weekends as he is at a new school.’
Oh, Kaja, he is even more handsome than I remember. He looks as if taken out of a golden mould and is only original one allowed and should be in special museum with many security guards. I see him dressed like English gentleman in the Upstairs Downstairs in nice waistcoat and smelling of man flowers and me wearing nice dress and not speaking much so that people think I am English lady.

He is young man with career and needs all help he can get. Is only one opportunity and he must be taking it. I say ‘yes.’ Then he is like a rabbit rubbing gently at my face until there is two rabbits doing this snuffling. ‘But only,’ I not know why I says and is difficult when you is both pretending to be rabbits, ‘if we brings Mrs Awale and Ahmed. They need holiday too.’ He say he will mention this to Cressida. Then we is rushing back to Merryfields Avenue, our quick breaths frozen in the air and I wonder if I still in dream.

Do you use a dowsing stick?

2008-01-11T01:36:00.000-08:00

Department of Motorway Studies
University of Bexhill,
Brighton Road,
Bexhill,
East Sussex BU9 4HK

4 January 2008

Dear Tom

Thank you for your application for the post of Lecturer in Motorway Studies at Bexhill University. We regret on this occasion you have not been successful but we would like to thank you for your interest in this post.

Yours sincerely
Tracey Longstomps
pp Professor Enzo Sharples Phd MA (Cantab).

The Human Resources Unit
The University of Bury St Edmunds
The Square,
Bury St Edmunds,
West Suffolk CM34 3FG

5 January 2008

Dear Applicant

We have received a large number of applications for this post and regret that we are unable to reply individually to all applicants. We regret that we are unable to offer you an interview on this occasion but wish you every success in your future career.

Yours sincerely
The Human Resources Unit, The University of Bury St Edmunds

Spalding Further Education College
Spalding,
Lincolnshire LN34 7NM

6 January 2008

Dear Tom
We would like to thank you for your job application. Unfortunately, although we read your CV with interest, we regret that we currently have no post that fits your skills frameset.

Yours faithfully
Myra Broadhurst, Childcare and Nursery Interventions, Spalding Further Education College.

Zenith Consulting
Stanford Buildings
Long Acre,
London W15 H40

7 January 2008

Dear Tom
I will keep your CV on file although I would have to say that, as a business consultancy, we do not get many requests from our clients for psychogeographers.
Take care.

Yours sincerely
Bryan Sugar, Director, Zenith Consulting
N.B. Just out of personal interest, do you use a dowsing stick?

Community and Playcare
Haringay Council
Wood Green
London N20 T39

8 January 2008

Dear Mr Markham
Thank you for your recent application for working with Haringay Libraries as a library assistant because you ‘like reading books.’ I would say that today’s library service has a much wider delivery reach and we see ourselves as facilitators for a diverse range of cross-cutting services reaching a diversity of service users, of which books are but one strand. We regret that we are unable to offer you an interview on this occasion but thank you for contacting us. I enclose a diversity evaluation form for our records.
Yours sincerely

Moira T. Tarragon, Head of Information Services

We welcome applications from all sections of the community and do not discriminate on grounds of sexuality, gender, disability, ethnicity or intelligence.

Psychic speed dating - what a concept!

2008-01-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

Soph, hi. I’m glad you like the psychic speed dating. Me too – what a concept! Have mentioned it to my manager and, guess what, he says we can try it out at the supermarket’s Valentine’s Day Singles Night. He says he’s fed up with men pretending to be sensitive by putting The Best of Suzanne Vega CD in their trolleys, as it only leads to disappointment. Soph, we’ve got so much work to do. It’s going to be brill!

Eric xx

I hopes you had nice Christmas in Sweden

2008-01-07T01:39:00.000-08:00

26 Merryfields Avenue,
Crouch End
London N8
UK
Europe

7 January 2008

Hallo Sven

It is Monika. I hopes you had nice Christmas in Sweden and I has your right address. I having busy time here and is not having many moments to myself.

I hope you like your Christmas present. I tell you a secret: it come from Ikea in Neasden! You not know how much I like this store (we does not have in Estonia: they are not thinking we is sophisticated enough to have the Billy Bookcase). I not liking the other stores and this includes the Harrods where I cannot buy even egg cup without mortgage and assistant think I is Russian footballer’s wife from Chelsea who is is needing the emergency fashion advice. It is not like Ikea where you rest on Noresund bed (£110) and sits on Olarp armchair (£40) and they not mind, even if you only want Lykta table lamp (£3.99). In Crouch End they is all doing the Habitat and Conran Shop. They is believing the nineteen seventies design and horrid brown and orange so trendy, and I am thinking they should go and live with my relatives in Polva who still has original of these with sparkly things on top of TV and pictures of Julio Iglesias. If you not like your bathrobe we can take it back to Ikea together.

I hopes you like New Year’s card. It show dove of world peace by Picasso. We is all hoping. Please tell me address, If you has arranged your new English accommodation. I think there is still space in bender tent if you has not.

All of my love
Monika x

It was a shame about the Pan Pagan Christmas

2008-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Hi Soph

It was a shame about the Pan Pagan Christmas – obviously the powers of mass consumerism are stronger than we thought and we should have offered them a free pair of Wellingtons. We need to use the Powers of Transformational Thinking. I have an empowering mental image of us as a one-legged tortoise that must cross mountains and deserts as it wins the race against others with their unfair advantages. One Mother Goddess of a business plan is what we need – one small step in the universal consciousness.

How about …
Holistic dog walking
How to be a Domestic Fruitarian Goddess
What Not To Wear At Wicker Man Festivals
Life coaching for distressed pets
Psychic speed dating

Love

Eric xxx

We currently have expenditure equivalent to Donald Trump's.

2008-01-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Monika

Make mental note of these instructions. We currently have expenditure equivalent to Donald Trump’s but an income that makes the Tailor of Gloucester look like a big lottery winner. Please:
Turn thermostat down to 55 F. People will just have to wear more clothes or, in Tom’s case, some clothes, and not go round wearing pyjamas as if Paris Hilton in a sauna.

Own brand products in supermarket. These are much cheaper tins and packets with nasty labels that actually say what’s inside them e.g. beans and sausages, and don’t suggest that by paying fifty pence more we will have a Tuscan lifestyle. Bargain bins in supermarket. Usually surrounded by old people but please avoid pilchards in tomato sauce.

Lunch boxes. Wholemeal sandwiches or nothing.

Maureen. Stop expensive Scientific Diet immediately – was perfectly happy on Cornflakes and occasional carrot. Under no circumstances to be taken to vet again and told she has neurasthenic condition that requires an intravenous drip and expensive treatment. Have heard that PDSA caravan visits Wood Green shopping centre. Maureen can travel.

Shopping catalogues. Re-cycle immediately.

Tumble dryer. Put on slow, economy spin. If people complain about noise all day they can dry clothes in own rooms.

People to wear only one set of clothes a day. Non-negotiable.

Christmas cards. Stop Sophie re-cycling these immediately. Can be re-used as gift labels for next Christmas.

School trip to Paris Disneyland and Eiffel Tower. We will have to tell Mrs Willoughby that Theo and Fay have a fear of French people and heights.

Monika’s wage. Thank you for your patience here, Monika. It was so good of you to let us post-date our last cheque. I’m sure we’ll be able to sort out this little problem fairly soon.

Bella

N.B Please note how I am using the back of Tom’s job rejection letters to write on. There are plenty of these to choose from.

I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Bella and Tom.

2008-01-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

I apologises for lateness of writing, but I have excuse: it was English Christmas. If I say imagine big volcano exploding with hundreds dirty plates and lots of plastic things with batteries that move across carpet for short time, you have excellent picture.

I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Tom and Bella with much love - plenty of recipes like for steamed haddock in milk. But I not keep writing in it many days (you soon find out reason).

25 December 2007

6.00. I is lying in bed when there is big knock on door. It Father Christmas – he not say nothing but bring me tray of breakfast with nice coffee not in Star Wars mug and the croissants. Then I see small pink present with sparkle bow that remind me of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady (after she get the money). I so excited I want to kiss the lovely man. But before I do so he has removed beard. It is Sven! ‘This is for you, darling Monika,’ he say in soft but deep voice and then is like we doing artificial respiration on each other. Then I remembers present and I opens: I not believe my eyes, is diamond ring! Is pink too and shine so expensive like I am HMH Queen except I don’t think she ever had present so thoughtful. I cry but not so much that I look horrid. Sven, his blue eyes shining so bright we hardly needs other light, put ring on my finger and say: ‘This is for us, there is nobody else. We are together now until the end of time, Happy Christmas greetings, my loved one.’ Then he kisses me again, until I hear other voice screaming. It say: ‘The person who gave me the Harry Potter game is going to be dead meat.’ I now really awake in Crouch End.

6.05. Another scream. Fay say she been hit by Hot Wheels Terrodactyl and she throwing doll presents (not Bratz, cheaper like) at brother. ‘Father Christmas he has many boys and girls to make presents for and lots of chimneys to climb down,’ I say. ‘I expect he sometime make mistakes.’ They look at me as if mad person. I go to Christmas tree to see my present from Sven but I cannot find.

6.30 Peeling potatoes. Most of year English eating from packets and likes one day a year to have better food cooked by non-English person if they be lucky. Bella tell me she not usually bother much but her parents is coming and they expecting ‘all the trimmings.’ They like traditional turkey bird which she say is like big brown baby with plastic bag up itself and everyone is worrying if it fit in oven. I has Delia Smith book, so at least I has someone else to blame. I do not understand Brussels sprouts. If they is doing English food why is they having Belgium food? I do not understand the English.

9.10 Bella and Tom gives me present (like I told you, Dairy Diary). They is not giving each other the gifts, just their love. Fay want to know when her real presents is coming and says she is going on Christmas strike and will not say nothing until she has her Bratz Forever Diamonds Funky Fashion Makeover Doll. ‘How boring is this?’ she say. They has given her water bottle for Maureen and books but they is not even from relatives so has no excuse. Theo he too going on strike: he want Air Hogs Zero Gravity Spin Master, not outfit for Action Man that look as if made by someone’s nan. Sophie, who finally up, has tee shirt that say ‘Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down’ that she must not wear because grandparents is coming. She ask if we know how much extra waste Christmas brings and she will start special re-cycling. When no one is there, I has another look for Sven present: there is nothing. He is in a rush and men is like this, they do not like being long time in shops searching for right present and is never remembering the birthdays either. I hope he like luxury bathrobe from Ikea. I does my snuffling and everyone look at me. I say it is the Brussels sprouts.

10.40. We is watching The Snowman film and all adults is crying as snowman melt. Children is not so worried and Theo he laughing.

12.30 There is long time I not remember. Is just me and Delia Smith in kitchen. So much steam and sweat I not seeing everything so clearly. I is only finding half a Christmas pudding and there is no Christmas cake. There is no other vegetables so I cooks more Brussels. Bella come in but I not worry. She has her own bottle of wine because her parents come. She say they will comment on turkey being too dry and I am not to worry. She tell me Christmas only being kept alive by elderly women who spends all year shopping for it, especially scented drawer liners. She doesn’t give much hope for her generation who wants it all out of M & S chill cabinet, especially with nice glass of Chardonnay and some decent sex at end of it.

1.25 Bella’s parents they comes from Essex (place east of London where the girls wears white clothes and doesn’t like to say no – I tell joke about Essex girls when my English better). Is no nice, polite introduction to me and I not told their names, so in my head I am calling them Mr and Mrs Bella.

He is retired bathroom builder who I do not think Bella wants to mention to friends who has Cath Kidston things. You can tell is traditional meal because Bella put out nice glasses and tell Tom to stop reading newspaper. Is good Theo and Fay not talk as Mr Bella say is like old days when children respect parents and only given tangerine in piece of silver paper. I forget to tell you Eric now arrive. Mr and Mrs Bella is asking him what he does and she say he is alchemist. Bella say he work in Tesco as assistant master baker and is hoping for promotion.

I finally introduced. Mr Bella say he sure I nice person but he think the floodgates open too much and there be no English people left soon. He knows for fact English plumbers is all having to go to North Cyprus to do the villas because of the cheap Polish plumbers and these is people who has been down Twyford Civics all their lives. We all think Tom asleep but he then say so we just carrying on paying arm and leg for British builders who take too much time and leave you with soggy floorboards. I see look on Bella’s face: it not good. Tom then say in any case East European immigrants is highly skilled workforce and make major contribution to UK economy. Mr Bella say it pity then that Tom not making major contribution to UK economy, isn’t it? It good time for serving the traditional English Christmas dinner.

I proud of my turkey bird: at least it is all one. Sophie say she and Eric does not wish to be asked why they is eating cashews and not having dead animals. I now realising I cooks too many Brussels and was not good idea either to bring in Maureen (guinea pig) and feed her them. ‘If I had my way I would get my hands on that Ken Livingstone and I would …’ is saying Mr Bella but then it turn into noise I not heard since Soviet dishwasher at Café Flamingo eat up all dishes. Mr Bella is getting red and more red. Eric rush round and hit him on back, fierce-like. Something come out of mouth. Children say is gross and is plastic bag thing that should have dropped out of bird’s bottom before the cooking. They is all looking at me.

4.30 Everyone is making the snoring sounds. Sophie and Eric looks at me doing funny eye thing. Before we goes out I has last look under Christmas tree. Just in case.

5.20 We is in Highgate Woods. Is cold and dark and sound of rain doing drip, drip on leaves like Estonian forest if you have plenty imagination. Tent bender thing now covered in many leaves and branches so you not know is there. Then some leaves is falling off and door opens. Is Ahmed. He say ‘Hallo, Monika’ and ‘This is nice surprise.’ Mrs Awale, in corner of tent, she smile and say do I want cup of Vanilla and Ginseng there is no Typhoo. Is good no one want personal transformation journey for Pan Pagan Christmas so Mrs Awale and Ahmed can stay in tent. Then Sophie handing out presents. I is recognising half a Christmas pudding, Christmas cake, Harry Potter game and many other things. ‘Sorry, we don’t have things for you,’ says Ahmed with apologies. ‘I hope you have been given many nice things.’ I remembering the before Christmas wishes and Sven and me alone in tent and candle that say our love and hope is everlasting and will never go out. But I remind me we must be thinking of people not so lucky, who is not having set of wooden spoons and oven gloves from my friend Kaja with ribbons added by herself.

Crouch End Lower Mixed Infants School Nativity Play

2007-12-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

Crouch End Lower Mixed Infants School Nativity Play

21 December, 2.00 – 3.00pm
St Clement’s Church Nativity Scene and
School Hall
Accompanied by Crouch End Lower Mixed Infants Choir
Piano and musical direction: Jane Willoughby
Virgin Mary – Sara Halteaser
Joseph – Joshua Self
Kings, shepherds, angels, sheep – Members of Year 1,2,3
Wardrobe assistance: Monika Kass
We are grateful for help received from our sponsors:
Woolworths, Budgens, Cuddles Pet Accessories, Salwar Kameez Fabrics,Grindleys Hardware Store, Green Thoughts in Green Shade Garden Centre.

Is Big Day. Is Nativity. I tell Mrs Willoughby I go home failure if this day not bring spirit of Christmas to Crouch End. She look at me peculiar-like. We must all meet outside at Church Nativity Scene. We stares at plastic Virgin and Joseph. We hear Church of England vicar (means depressed man
asking what is meaning of Christmas like he not know either). Some peoples are clapping the prayer (they does not go to church regular, is clear). It is prayer to remind us of meaning of Christmas and of how baby Jesus he is born to bring love and hope in world. Then something not expected is happening. There is noises of something moving in Nativity Scene. The children is saying is something inside. They saying ‘it’s God’ or ‘is Father Christmas’ and is told by parents ‘do not be ridiculous.’ But then, you not believe this, Mrs Awale and Ahmed, embarrassed-like, is coming out. Is everyone clapping again and I hear one woman say is Mrs Willoughby idea of
multi-cultural Christmas.

I is so happy they are found, Kaja, all the worry of Nativity Play it vanish (for about five seconds). I holding Mrs Awale’s hand, she so cold she shiver. She say she has the temporary accommodation but it not last. They had nowhere to go and it so cold they can only think of Nativity Scene. She say why is people there to look at her. I tell her it is Nativity and is Ahmed in it.

We must rush as I in charge of costumes for Mixed Infants and I think we may have tea towel headdresses crisis.

Is chaos back of school hall (is not surprising, 128 Mixed Infants). Ahmed he wear bobble hat and Batman cape. Him and his mother looks at Josh’s costume (Stella McCartney green dress) like it Crown Jewels. I tell Mrs Awale Ahmed can be sheep.

School hall filled with families. I see with Fay and Sophie (has flashing pink fairy lights on kilt) and Eric (wears Joseph Technicolour Dream Coat). I do a wave like HMR Queen. I sees Cressida other side of hall come in. Is wearing shiny silver coat that people is all admiring. She come in with father, nasty red-faced man – look so like her.

We is all going to our seats. All is ready so I go sit with audience. We know Nativity Play begin when Mrs Willoughby pick up her chopstick. There is singing of ‘Silent Night, Holy Night, All is Calm, All is Bright’. Then curtains open slowly. Virgin she look nice (thank God for the Peter Jones). But then is things begin to go wrong. Ahmed he wearing Stella McCartney dress with Arsenal number and he tell inn keeper he sheep and is there room for him and Virgin. Josh now in bobble hat and Batman cape, not sure if he Joseph or sheep or Batman. I see Cressida. She look like she paralysed like as if seeing a nightmare. I thinking Ahmed decide to be Eminem as he start do ‘Away in a Manger’ like rapping.

I never think of Joseph – or sheep – doing the thing with hand between legs either. Other sheeps, kings, shepherds and angels they joins in too. No rehearsing but they seems to know what to do. Mrs Willoughby not blink eyelid and conduct them with her chopstick. All this quite original when you think of it long time after. Everyone claps spontaneous-like when they understand new direction of story. Then, Cressida father stand up and say in loud voice: ‘Look. That coloured kiddie’s stolen our Josh’s costume!’ But Josh call back loud: ‘No, he didn’t Grandad, I gave it to him. He’s my friend.’ All the people make a nice sound like ‘Aaaah’ and is more clapping, and peoples lean forward and touch Cressida on shoulder and saying ‘What a sweet little boy – giving to those
less fortunate than himself at Christmas.’

Is all doing ‘Oh, Come All Ye Faithful’ (sheep is now in line behind Joseph and choir is getting hang of things), when I see person come in back of door. Is Tom. Theo start waving at him from stage (not matters, is much worse going on). There is ‘While Shepherds Watched Flocks’ (Shepherds and angels does own rapping now – is feeling more confident) and then we has ‘Once in Royal
David’s City’, kings-alone version. Mrs Willoughby do chopstick conducting still – I not seen her so excited since tell me she only have 1,239 days till her retirement. Then mixed Infants sing ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’. Mrs Awale, Mrs Willoughby, me, I think whole world, we is all doing our
blubbering. Audience they clapping like I never heard. They especially loud for Ahmed
and Josh. Then (finally) all is with parents having refreshments. I seeing
Fay and Theo run to Tom and each has a swing and kisses. And then Sophie go to father and they say words. I blubber some extra. Then is Bella. I close eyes. I want go off somewhere other side of earth. When I open she and Tom alone; Sophie taken brother and sister away. Eric come to me, say ‘Peace and love. Cool afternoon. Tom wanted to be here.’ I say how he know? He wink. I say ‘He stay in solstice tent?’ He re-wink.

Then I all alone on stage picking up the fun fur that is being separated from its fabric. Then I hearing my name. ‘Monika.’ I tired and think I imagine everything. But is real. But is also a dream – a dream that is coming true. Perhaps. IS SVEN. He standing next to me. He seem twenty feet tall. I still so dwarf even in new Dolcis boots. He take my bin bag. He say ‘sorry.’ Hall it so noisy and I say we must go out. We stand in freezing playground. He wearing long black coat. Look like soldier in Russian Revolution. I so red, look like boiled Estonian beetroot.

He say ‘I owe you apologies’. Then Cressida is coming. Her eyes is on him like I don’t exist. Her smile come out like hedgehog unfurl when it think no one about. She say she didn’t know Sven in London. She do cheek kissing but make most of it. Oomaigaad!

I just watch. He not unfurl like hedgehog. He not say anything either. Just look at her cold-like. Cressida she look embarrassed.

I walk inside school and Sven follow. Only is now Theo rush up and saying ‘Where’s Ahmed and his mum? Josh and me’ve been looking for them.’ Then we running around like the legless chickens. Is Sophie and Eric helping us. We looking everywhere but they nowhere.

Outside is only two ways. Sven and me go one way, Sophie and Eric other way. I asking Mrs G has she seen them (she wearing extra fairy lights, on lollipop too.) She say they cross road few minutes before: they going down hill. Sven run ahead. We sees them at bus stop. I know is Ahmed, is wearing green Stella McCartney. Bus stops – and when it leave is big relief because
Ahmed, his mum and Sven is still there. My make-up is running like Woolworths’ Christmas candle.
We goes back up hill. Mrs G she offering free trips across road to anyone who pass by. I not seen such big queues of traffic ever. She ask if we wanting to look in her hole. It is that time of year when all wishes come true, she say. We see McDonalds wrapper, Coke can, Christmas wrappings and gas bill. As we at bottom of hill we turn round and sees her and her lollipop. She is flashing like to rival top of Canary Wharf. I holding Mrs Aswale’s hand as we go back to school. She freezing.
Fay and Theo is taking Mrs Aswale and Ahmed home with them and partents. Giant exclamation mark! Yes – Bella and Tom together! Then for me is more adventure. Sophie and Eric pushes Sven and me in van.

Soon we is in bender tent in wood. Winter Solstice not selling, say Eric. Next time is going to link with pet re-incarnation as people prefer spend Christmas with dead pets than relatives. I say is this true or is he ‘pulling my foot?’ (means joking). He say is true (but smile a bit). I say English people not so nice with each other sometimes. He say is true. Sophie say she and Eric come back tomorrow morning, so is just me and Sven in bender. They smiles at each other and is gone. Top is too low for Sven standing so we can only lie on cushions. He look nervous as if I is having
torture instrument for him. ‘It is my fault,’ he say, and not look me in the face. ‘It was all so busy that I forget to ring and then it was too late. I am taken in by the money but I am student and au pair and when everyone say you are so good looking and all you have to do is sit in front of cameras … it is like a big finger calling you in.’ He thinks he do it like hobby but is big job and is not sure who is your friends and all is boys, aged twenty, with the plastic surgery and botox. He say has broken contract illegal-like and is to pay back all money he earn. Then he look at me, close-like and make a big, big sigh. ‘Is not all the truth,’ he say. ‘The big truth is that I cannot fly to New York. I cannot fly at all, anywhere, because of the vertigo and feeling scared. I only tell them at last minute I came from Stockholm in container boat at Hull. I am sick otherwise over all available spaces.’ He does bit of crying. I put finger on his mouth like to say ‘shhh’ I saying we all done our stupid things and we all learning. Is longest night of year. We still wearing Sophie, Eric’s Wellington boots, Sven he
smile (first time) and we wiggling them off. Then we giggle, not caring.

Candle is blowing out …. Then is some sounds. I say is only animals but one has cough and another know Crazy Frog ring tone. Bender door opening slowly. We see light of torch. Is Fay, Theo, Sophie and Eric. ‘Sophie says we have to wait ‘til you and Sven have warmed each other up,’ say Theo. We wondering how long they been standing outside bender. Sophie say,
embarrassed-like, Bella and Tom is thinking it nice idea for children to spend Solstice Night with Sven and me so we not lonely. Eric has extra drums for us to ‘invoke mother goddess,’ he say. I re-light candle in this longest night. Is so nice Bella and Tom thinking of other people equally at
Christmas time. Sophie take them all off to find mother goddess.

Maybe I not coming back to Estonia like I said. I seeing what happening in
New Year.

All the Happy Christmases from Crouch End.

Transformational Change Through Interactive Analysis

2007-12-20T01:51:00.000-08:00

Transformational Change Through Interactive Analysis Questionnaire

Name: Monika Kass

Star sign: Leo

Date of birth: 19/08/87

People you identify with: Chris Martin (nice man, is shame about Gwyneth Paltry), Queen of England (difficult job and husband). Bob Geldorf (but wish he not swearing words.)

People you don’t identify with: Mother (is not understanding me), English people’s that thinks I stupid (I is watching their television programmes and they calling me stupid.)

Personal growth courses attended: Communist Sunday School, Body Shop lady on essential oils who tell me I have problem skin, my friend Kaja, she is source of all wisdom I now realizes.

Name three things you’ve done in the past year that you’re proud of: re-decorated bedroom own way – getting rid of national dishes wallpaper, coming to England (I thought), cannot think of third.

If you could have anyone as a friend, who would it be? Still Kaja (I wish I listen to her advice right from start).

Have you fulfilled all your educational ambitions? I is finishing secondary school. I is wanting to see world (UK). Or so I believed (month ago).

How do you visualize your life journey? Is maze and I forget which side to walk on so that I get out. Cannot see over bushes to cheat.

Imagine you are free to do anything – how would you like to spend your day? I used to think Top Shop, Oxford Street but without eight year-old girl asking if she can have five years’ pocket money at one time. I not so sure now.

If you had one wish for humanity what would it be? We is all treating each other equally.

This information will be invaluable to you as a participant at this year’s Winter Solstice Celebration. Please hug the person next to you and light a patchouli candle with them.

Happy Christmas

2007-12-19T01:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas
Dear Sophie, Faye, Theo and Bella

May Christmas bring you warmth and cheer,
And leave its brightness all next year!
Hope all is well. I am well. I miss you.

Love Dad xxxx

Monika, thank you for coming back

2007-12-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

Monika, you don’t know how glad I am. Thank you for coming back. I’ve suddenly realised we haven’t ordered anything for Christmas. I was going to try to go to shops during my lunch break but as you’re back, etc, etc.

My parents don’t know how to react. My father seems to think Tom’s just popped out to buy some rawlplugs and been diverted. Mother has said it’s a pity it’s at Christmas, as if it would have been better planning to shag an ex-neighbour when there isn’t the same worry about sufficient turkey portions. My parents are coming for Christmas. Their world would collapse if they had to sit down for Christmas lunch without a man fiddling with giblets and me doing something in the kitchen with incompetently cooked parsnips. Christmas is like a noxious gas that seeps up under your closed door and no one can escape it.

Do I miss him or don’t I? Am I just used to him like a piece of hideous old pine furniture I never got round to replacing, because it’s got all your personal little things in its nooks and crannies and you wouldn’t know where else to put them? Or do I miss him being bumbling, even if he’s bumbling
away my life and can’t even do adultery properly? It’s true, once you’re post-partum, you do see things differently. It’s another country from which the traveller only returns with the smell of Calpol, phonetic spelling and fifteen years of pesto suppers. If I have to hear my unmarried colleagues
boring on about their latest sexual encounters or Big Brother again I think I shall scream. Jesus, I’m forty three; I can remember Simon Le Bon before he was famous. Monika, what am I supposed to do?

Oh, I’ll be back late – meeting. Theo volunteered me to help at school Nativity Play rehearsal. Hope you don’t mind taking my place. I don’t think you have to do very much.

Bella x

Yes, I still here. I telling you one thing: as Christmas come close, it more and more mad here. Is only time all families must force themselves come together. All they is talking about is bringing relatives they not like across country to sit in front rooms just like their own. They is jealous of those that is going to Centre Parks (like big Eskimo house but you see through it) or sunny places where you just take clothes off and not bothering.

I do strange thing called Nativity Play. It mean children on stage and forced to be angels and sheeps – but they no idea what is all about. We has nothing like this in Estonia. Theo teacher put me in charge of costumes. This Mrs Willoughby teacher, she look tired (so tired you are not seeing her eye balls). She say it very difficult to make time for what she call ‘extra curricular activities’ like birth of Jesus. I watch rehearsal: it not good. Is Virgin Mary with make-up, Joseph (nice costume, is Josh), a doll (Barbie) for Jesus, too many king and shepherds (Theo is shepherd), some angels (Fay, she has Barbie wings) and forty three sheeps (with sound of ba-ba-ba in twenty different languages). Virgin Mary tell me her mother spend half one day searching for right material in Peter
Jones which is making the rest of us feel like the Polish pig slops. Theo say he will not wear shepherd tea towel on head until we put on it the number ’10’ and ‘Bergkampf’. I tell Mrs Willoughby about Ahmed – she say if he come back he can be sheep (wear shaggy toilet mat).

After rehearsal I is seeing Cressida. She is telling woman her son wear a costume designed by Stella McCartney – a Beatle daughter – special-like. She see me and her smile about half-mile wide (800 metres). This Cressida woman, I just see her and I have knife through heart.

I collect Theo and Fay. Theo ask if Jesus got extra big presents from Joseph because not his real father and was feeling guilty. We pass lollipop lady. She wearing her flashing reindeer things on head. She call out ‘I’m having all the trimmings’ Do not know what this is meaning. She say someone is throwing in her hole a cabbage and person’s burger and she expecting a lot
more, because Christmas. We all look in hole together. I say we do not have so many holes in Estonia. She look at me with concern and say she sure things will get better, then walk out in front of lorry. I still not understand the English.

I cannot be coming home for the moment, I having too many responsibilities here for the English Christmas thing. Everyone needing me …except the ONE person I want to be needing me.

I still not heard from HRH Queen. I is still hoping.

DEar H.M.H Queen

2007-12-17T00:48:00.000-08:00

26 Merryfields Avenue
Crouch End,
London,
Europe

17 December 2007

Dear H.M.H Queen

I know you busy too but wanted to ask about two people I know: Mrs Aswale and her son Ahmed. They was from Somalia but Mrs Aswale’s husband he killed and they no choice but come to England as refugee. I know your family is German refugee so you must know what it is when people saying nasty things about you. They so frightened they run away because they do not have piece of paper to say they can stay here and be legal-like. We look everywhere but we are not finding them.

I would be every so grateful if you arrange for them to stay here just as you and your family stay here for all these so many years.

I sending you all the wishes of the season and hope you visit my country of Estonia before you too old.

Yours sincerely
Monika Kass (Miss)

The people iscoming to arrest my mother and me

2007-12-14T01:22:00.000-08:00

Monika

The people is coming to arrest my mother and me. They say we have not the
right piece of paper. They want us to go back in our country. This is why we
go without saying goodbye. Please tell Theo I have not taken his Spiderman
gun with me. My love to Maureen the guinea pig.

From Ahmed (and his mother)

I not going back to Estonia. Yet. I explain. I get message from Sophie and Eric and then they is arriving in van outside Buckingham Place. They is passing me letter from Mrs Aswale saying they will be arrested and must run away. Sophie found in kitchen. She persuade me I only person who can rescue family. Sophie she say children’s Christmas will be too sad without me; is likely Fay and Theo will receive Asbos (for naughty people) if they’s not told how people behave
in Estonia. She say I is like sister she never had. She kiss me. I cannot be leaving them now.

I is in Eric’s flat with him and Sophie. I very tired sudden and I cry a little bit but Eric is very nice to me saying all I need now is ‘to get myself centred-like’ and is fault of civilisation, we is all hurrying everywhere, we is never asking ourselves what is all about. Is nice smell, incense, and music like tinkling water. Eric give me drink of green tea in bowl like Japanese and tell me to rest on bed. They has to go but leaves me with personal growth questionnaire, as think it help me make my life decisions. I must go now. I expect be home soon to hear more about Kaja's engagement ring.

She come running to men like moth with trainers

2007-12-13T02:30:00.000-08:00

I stand outside Buckingham Palace . Is only half-past seven. I too early for plane, so I make detour: I think I perhaps see HRH the Queen or at least Queen Camilla; is memory of England I wish to be having. I waving but then I see curtain closed at HRH’s window. She may be wanting to avoid talking from her family about what they is doing for Christmas for as long as is possible.

I coming back to Estonia and my future with Arvo Pitkin. He man who we knows what we is getting, even if it is mainly fridge magnets. He not changing his personality half-way through (like some others). I thinking of Arvo and his personal qualities and sure will remember one. I remember my friend Kaja say she has found several in Mart when she sends out search party.

I thinking serious-like what I does here. I coming to England for escaping Estonia; I feeling too sophisticated for my home country and is reading all these things about England and run away to show my mother that I do not have to spend forty years in wood factory and marry hairy man. I even thinking I more sophisticated than Kaja and Mart because they saving up for leather armchair and does not wish to see the world. But I is learnt, it is Monika who is not sophisticated. She come running to men like moth with trainers. She think she is special star on soap opera who get all best words to say. I hoping Kaja and Mart forgive me. Taitsa jama!

We are but star sailors in the night

2007-12-12T01:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Monika

Thank you for looking after us. It was good of you to take us to Hamleys and the London Eye. I want you to have my free hairslide from Accessorize. Here it is.

Lots of love
Fay

Dear Monika

I will still like Estonia even if they beat Arsenal. I think.

Theo Markham
PS Here is my last Bob the Builder biscuit.

Dear Monika

I’m really sorry you’re going. It was lovely doing the metta bhavana meditation together and connecting with the universe. Sorry you won’t get to see the Solstice bender; we have exciting plans for a compost toilet soon.
In peace and loving kindness
Sophie

We are but star sailors in the night
Shiva Eric

Dear Monika

Thanks you for all your help. I’m not sure if it’s been the best introduction to the English way of life and I can’t help thinking we’re partly to blame. But I hope you go back to Estonia with some good memories. And thank you for listening to me, once again.
Love to your family and here is the money we owe you.
Happy Christmas from us all
Love
Bella

I think Sven not forget me

2007-12-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

I think Sven not forget me. After the 360 degrees on London Eye I think there is more. I never been invited to something so romantic sounding as launch of male moisturiser. It put our Mr Spock Convention in Tallin Travel Lodge far in perspective.

I not know what to wear. But I borrow nice dress from Sophie and we cover ‘Piss Off Morons’ with lacy bit. She want to put make-up on me but I say I do not want to look like Siouxie Banshie with punched in face. I let Fay do me little bit glitter make-up as she just finished making of Christmas cards and some glitter is remaining.

My friend Kaja would not believe hotel. It so posh, designed by Philip Starkers. Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltry and Kate Moss is just popping in way we do to nasty shop in garage. Is not like hotel we know where you buys gonks in Estonia national costume and is sent straight to room to watch Emmanuelle 45. No, is lots of marble blocks what change colour and if people serving they looks like models, what do the models look like?

I go through door. Is big dark room and there is spacey music that cool people need for their talking. I see people but not anyone I know. Girl give me bag with male moisturiser. I given drink and I drink quick (bad idea). Then I see photographers is flashing. It is Sven. Kaja, he is in LOVELY white suit and MORE tanning than ever. You see male moisturiser work on him perfect. They all clapping, especially the ones what has spent years of their lives making this moisturiser. Sven he look embarrassed but is shyness nice. They is lots of women (models) around him. I green. Is good they cannot see my jealous colour.

Sven he see me and come over. We is like both ends of magnet ends and is gentle kiss (dark but lots of people looking). But he say there is another something else big he must tell me. Before he say there is thirty foot plasma screen comes down and he is taken away by more women who need him to do his business.

They showing his TV advertisement. Is Sven as handsome space explorer. He go to Mars (exclamation mark) but because he use Vanquish 7 his skin perfect, even in asteroid attacks. When he land there is Martian women who won’t wear bras and they want to check his perfect skin (and other things). We all claps.

I think Sven has gone to real Mars. I not see him anywhere. Then I see the Cressida. I see way she look at him, like she knows things deep inside Sven, like she is dentist of his heart. Then there is model girls with him. Their eyes is towards me and I hear some words they say: ‘short’, ‘funny hair’, ‘horrible dress’, ‘looks like a fairy doll that went wrong’. They think I not hear but I does. They laughing at me, Kaja, laughing at me.

I take another drink (very bad idea). Man come to me and ask if I enjoying myself. I no reply. He say is product manager and is one of fastest growing areas of beauty business. Is men now worrying as well as women. It not surprising, he say, that Sven off to New York for six months for promoting Vanquish in North American market. I say what? He say is their biggest market – UK is only blip. Brad Pitt he only come to London so he visit the Harrods. Then Sven he finally appear. He touch my shoulder. He say he sorry, he have no choice: it part of his contract, but it only six months. That is big thing he was wanting to tell me. Then there is newspaper person who needs him and he go off.

All I want is leaving room. I go past marble blocks, people who is thinking they is models doesn’t even look at me. There is people smoking outside. I stands and waits. I thinking Sven will see me gone and do a chase after me. He will do apologies and say nice things about my dress and personality. But it is ten minutes and it is cold. I wait and he not come. I get London taxi. It cost all my week’s money. Still I don’t have enough and must get out at Finsbury Park.

When I pass underground station, I seeing Mrs Awale and Ahmed. They stand beside big suitcase and black rubbish bags. She say Cressida sack her because of the pants.Then they been told to leave flat. We is taking their luggage up Crouch Hill. I tell them I going back to Estonia and I give them my room. They too tired to argue. I has nowhere else to sleep. I in tree house with Maureen the Guinea Pig. What Fay say is true.

Now I see – mans like Sven never love dwarfy girl. Maybe only mans like Arvo Pitkin is marrying girl like me and my mother right to see future for us on all fridges in Estonia. I think of Café Flamingo and how Vladislav nice to me when I cry because manager call me toxic dwarf for few plates dropped. I had enough – I going back to Estonia.

Fay give me letter

2007-12-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

Fay give me letter. She say she found it under door mat. Has been there many days.

Atlantis plc is pleased to invite Monika Kass to the launch of
Vanquish 7
The revolutionary new concept in male moisturisers – with extra collagen
Featuring the brand new face launching across five continents
Sven Appleson
St Martin’s Lane Hotel, St Martin’s Lane, London
7.00 for 7.30pm, 10 December 2006
RSVP. 0207 457892

I am going to be away for a little while.

2007-12-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Fay, Theo and Sophie
I am going to be away for a little while. I want you to be extra good and help Mum and Monika as much as possible. When you decorate the Christmas tree why not put it in the front window so that everybody can see it.
Lots of love
Dad

Dear Dad – it’s alright – it’s just a consequence of the breakdown of patriarchal hierarchies in Western society. Don’t worry. Soph.

Dear Dad, Can you just make sure we don’t get Maureen the Guinea Pig to look after. Mrs Willoughby passes her on to anyone whose parents might be getting divorced. It’s supposed to ‘help them through a difficult time’. It’s not a nice guinea pig, she farts. Fay

You think they is Waltons but is really Sopranos

2007-12-06T00:42:00.000-08:00

Is bad, since last time I write.

Is Tom, he and this Cressida they having something together. Ican’t believe either. Bella discover Tom is taking off the pants in Cressida bedroom. You see Tom, you wonder sometimes if he even have a pulse, but is quieter ones, we know. I remember Erkhi in Geography lesson. He not say word in class while we study Ice Age but once behind terminal moraine in field he is melting all inhibitions. I in chair quite moody myself doing ‘Are You a Romantic Failure?’ quiz when Bella she explode like nuclear bomb. ‘It seems you can’t keep your job or your Y-fronts in place,’ she say. ‘ But at least you got round to doing something, I suppose. Can the hole in the ceiling and the radiator be next, please.’ Bella ‘tired and emotional’ (we say this in Britain; lower class people say ‘knackered’, not so nice).

Tom he tell Bella this Cressida invite him round to show him old Middlesex paintings she buy. He not expect them to be in bedroom. ‘One thing led to another and it was only one minute thirty seconds,’ he say. I not sure if he boasting or saying it hardly anything. I think of Sven with this woman – what else she be taking up into her bedroom? Is pictures of Sven’s home town to bring him back the memories? No wonder Sven not ringing – she probably has rooms full of his favourite
things. What does I have?

Then Bella she tell Tom to leave now. She cannot have him here. Bella then cry. I’m not knowing what to say because the underpants is not lying. ‘I thought Cressida and me were friends,’ she say, ‘but she always did look down on my John Lewis china.’ It not her fault she could not afford the
Conran, she say. I bring Mansize tissues and she does big blow. I not hear Cressida described in so many nasty words before. It so good. These English middle class families, Kaja. You think is Waltons but find out is really Sopranos.

I go see Tom in tree house. I do knock knock as I do not wish to trespass. Is under black cloak of Sophie which say ‘I believe in fairies.’ I ask if I get him cup of tea but he say no (I learn in UK if any difficult emotion situation you ask them if they want the tea and hope they say yes and you not having to talk to them about the difficult thing.) Tom say no.

I do little cry for them both as I walk back through cold garden. I cry for Fay, Theo and Sophie. I cry for myself – Sven still NOT ring - I cry for Estonia during all years when Father Christmas banned because not member of Communist Party. I cry for world. I look up at stars twinkling, so clear and bright, and wonder what they thinking about us mad people down here?

I hear from my friend Kaja that she starting Christmas preparations with her Mart and has been to snowy forest together to find their Christmas tree. I teach children traditional Christmas Bottle game our boys and girls knows from Estonian past, and show how one who has moved bottle has to kiss person it point at. They look at me as if I sad person from sad country. I expect boy Vladislav be preparing his Baltic Ice Queen Margharitas now and is doing Christmas display with parrots. I just a little bit home-sick.

I hope to start doing dialogues at some time in the near-future

2007-12-05T01:47:00.000-08:00

Monika

Excuse note, out extra early this morning for meeting. Ask Sophie if she’s sent ALL my bras to developing world before they’re hundred-wash grey.

Theo can only go to football practice if promises to do reading homework.

Can read Arsenal programme again if all else fails. Mrs Willoughby has
agreed as last resort.

Will be late tonight. Joining work colleagues for drink in not-even-ironic karaoke bar. And I used to think that team members who drank together on Wednesday evenings and had a penchant for crisps and sticky table tops and floors were sad. Thank you for listening to me last night - sorry if it was a monologue. I hope to start doing dialogues at some time in the near future.

Yours

Bella

P.S Can you dig out Xmas decorations and the tree. I think they’re somewhere in the cupboard outside your room. Fay can decorate with Bratz if she really must.

I am in the tree house tonight

2007-12-04T01:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone,

I am in the tree house tonight. Fay: I have your Barbie Liquid Torch.

Love

Dad

I find man pants on bedroom floor of Mrs Self

2007-12-03T01:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr and Mrs Markham and Monika.

This is Ahmed Awale. I write this for my mother because I have gooder English. But she is saying this.

I wish thank you for job (Monika). Very nice at the Mrs Selfs where I cleaning for all her white things. I feel some sorriness that not pay much as last job but I grateful. I bring along my son, Ahmed, who is expert at the Spiderman jumping on her big white sofa. He show Josh, her son, how to do it.

I must do very big cleaning here and bedrooms, too. I find man pants on bedroom floor of Mrs Self today. She tell me they Mr Markham’s. I wash specially and put through letter box in case he need them. Nice and fresh Y-fronts. I hope you is pleased.

We seeing you all soon, I expect.

Yours bestly

Mrs Awale

No one likes Maureen

2007-11-30T01:05:00.000-08:00

School Diary 30 November 2007

Yesteraday Monika took us out. Even Sophie had to come. I saw her tying her belly button ring to the chest of drawers but it didn’t work. We had to promise to be nice to Monika.

First we went to Hamleys. I showed Monika the Collectible Barbie that costs £4,000.00. She said this is what her father earns in a year. Theo asked for five years’ pocket money in one go so that he could have a vintage Chopper, then he made us walk down the Harry Potter staircase even though he doesn’t like Harry Potter. I hate my brother. Then we went to Top Shop, Oxford Street, where we meet another au-pair called Sven. Then we all went to the London Eye, including Sven. Theo made faces at Sven and Monika but I don’t think they noticed.

My parents weren’t talking to each other when we got home. I hope this doesn’t mean they’re going to get divorced as we will then have to have Maureen the guinea pig from school ‘to help us get through a difficult time.’ No one likes Maureen.

I not know where to start, but I start

2007-11-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

I not know where to start, but I start
I taking the children into middle part of London. Bella and Tom they needs to be together to discuss things and have their Quality Time. Bella is lighting many aromatherapy candles and they is waving us goodbye in their dressing gowns. Tom he look worried.
I does the non-Quality Time. I never see so many people! We goes to Hamleys toy shop (for children that has everything there is always something more and it always expensive and makes lots of noise). Then we go to Topshop in Oxford Street: is place where everyone go to look like Kate Moss (model look good in grandad’s shorts, she don’t need to go to store). Then big things happen.
BIG THINGS HAPPEN! I see all these nice young men sitting on sofas waiting for their girlfriends in changing rooms and I imagine Sven is waiting for me. Then, oh, no, I see that one is HIM! And then this blonde girl, she so lovely tan, natural, come out in nice green tunic top. She turn round and round in front of him. I greener than cloth. I make to walk away. My heart go down. Why he so nice to me over Cressida kitchen table, then having a blonde in Topshop? I take kaftan in nineteen sixties style and we all goes quick into changing place. I tell Theo to close his eyes. But we soon see note appearing under curtain. It say: ‘Monika – come and meet my sister, Bibi.’
I go out. Sven he say he has enough shopping with his sister, who in London for shopping trip. I is like Japanese flower that been put in glass of water. He ask can he come with me and children – imagine how my heart go up!
We have promise Theo to go in London Eye (this big wheel that go round and
round. You see all over London and let everyone know where your nan live.). We is all going in one capsule when Sophie she see how I like Sven and she make it that we in separate capsule to children – thank you, Sophie, you not know how grateful I am eternally.
I not seen Sven so nervous as when Eye starts. He look at me, his blue eyes so piercing and yet gentle. I wanting them for my bead box.
He say ‘I have to look at you, Monika.’ I say this alright. I hold his hand.
It is cold and wet. He say he has vertigo; if look out will give rise to
vomitous situation. I look him in eyes. He has risked the vomit for me.
Thank you very much my dearest.
He kiss me. He kiss me as ground go away beneath us.He kisses me all 360 degrees. I forget everything, even Cressida. When I look next we is back at start. Is like being in heaven and I forget everything else.
‘I have liked you ever since we first met, Monika,’ he say. I say I like him
too. I wish another 360 degree. I close eyes again. He say there is
something important he want to tell me. It is very good news, he say. He has
been signed up by modelling agency and they has work already for him.
Cressida know someone in agency. It will help pay for his college course when he back in Sweden, but he won’t be so much in Muswell Hill now. I not know whether to be happy or sad.
But is my good-looking boyfriend not going to be famous male model? Is not
we a dream couple like the Poshes and Becks? But then I remembering Mrs Awale. I ask if he doing less in Muswell Hill if she could be doing some of it. He will ask Cressida. He kiss me again. I want it last forever. I not telling him about Arvo Pitkin. Ever.
We go back to Crouch End. There is nice smell of Body Shop at Merryfields but Tom and Bella they is looking depressed. He is reading book on history of Uxbridge. Is not married life as we wish it in Estonia.

Today is maximum worse

2007-11-28T01:05:00.000-08:00

Isn’t there Estonian proverb that if everything already bad enough, we shouldn’t worry, will get worse? Today is maximum worse.
I taking Theo after school to birthday party of his friend Josh. On way I meet Mrs Awale and Ahmed who go there too. Mrs Awale look worried. She say she lost her job doing the cleaning at place called Canary Wharf. They say she illegal immigrant because she cannot find piece of paper that say she OK to be here. I feeling extra sorry for her.
I already seen photos of Cressida’s house in magazine (Bella has special copy; I think she would like it to be her home.) House inside is so big and so white and so empty. This is what they calling Minimalism (means you have full time job to hide all your boring bits and pieces). I get to my point: Cressida make it that Harry Potter wizard coming to Josh’s party. He doing party games for hour. Is not resembling other experiences I am hearing of the English children’s party entertainers who are not liking children or have an elastic problem with the beard.
Josh open presents: is biggest set of felt tips in world from us (these are colour pens, really cheap). He excited: many white walls in house. But more excited when open Star Wars light sabre from Ahmed. Ahmed so pleased: he tell us all how he choose present in Oxfam shop (cheap things that nobody wants). Cressida say is Josh’s before – it has his broken bit – she give it to Oxfam. But Josh so pleased to have back and is shooting us. Cressida try to take sabre from Josh, say is old dirty toy, is rubbish. Not proper present. This make me find my courage and I say Mrs Awale she has no money, she done her best. Cressida she stare at me as if toilet seat has spoken.
While children eat I go into kitchen far away from Cressida eyes. Is Harry Potter wizard there. He take off hat and is man so golden and good-looking I think Adonis himself have rival in Sven Appelson. He pour me glass of sherry. We does our toasties. Why does the sherry leave little shiny globes on his wizard beard and what must it feel like when they is licked off?
‘Is good to see you again,’ he say. ‘I been thinking of you.’
I want to know if HE been thinking of me every second, minute, hour, day –
or is I just a reminder like on your email system that pop up now and again?
I say ‘You good wizard but then you is drama student and can do
all parts.’
He change subject and say he so love London, he think of no better place. Is so much happening; it make Stockholm seem like suburb. I say for Estonia too; we more village where people all know your business, how big are the holes in your underwear on washing line and who you will be marrying from day you are born. I blush.
Child rush to sink. She vomit.
‘Is nice sometimes though to do quieter things in London,’ he say. He love we meet at weekend but his time is taken.
Before I have chance to ask him, nice-like, where time is taken up, I hear
‘Sven is so good that we don’t know what we’d do without him.’ Is Her.
Cressida. Up close she look like forty-five years. Has scratched surface like old record. But she dressing like she twenty-five. She think she Madonna. No on tadi!
She send me out of kitchen to organise game. There is twenty under-sixes waiting for me to play game called ‘Twister’. I does it with my arms and legs but I cannot and I is falling over. Everyone is laughing. And then I see her whispering her good wishes in the ear of MY Sven over marble workplace and then they is finding it hilarious too. I feel my heart fall down into my boot.

Dear Father Christmas ...

2007-11-27T01:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Father Christmas,

My mother insists we put our Christmas wishes in a letter box with cotton
wool my sister made last year before she discovered Bratz Rock Angels.
If you existed, this is what I'd ask you for…

World peace and for the people of all countries to have enough to eat. This
will be particularly the case when many people seem to have too much to eat
over Christmas – including things like brussel sprouts and those turkeys
with the plastic bags inside which make some of us feel quite sick.
I would like you to send whatever you would spend on me to that man who
stands outside the House of Commons still protesting about the war in Iraq.
He could buy himself a new pup tent or something. He looks like he could do
with a new tee shirt as well. Please use re-cycled wrapping paper.

Why is my mother in such a bad mood by the way?

Peace, love and Buddahood.
Sophie

Dear Father Christmas

I want

Bratz Wintertime Wonderland Ski Lodge
Bratz Salon and Spa
Bratz Runaway Disco
Bratz Limo
Bratz 13” TV
Bratz Lipstick MP3 Player
Bratz Party Plane
Bratz Wild West: Fianna
Bratz Rock Angelz: Chloe
Bratz Big Bayz Spa.

Love
Fay (8 years old)

Dear Father Christmas

I would like these for Christmas …

Doctor Who Dalek Sec Hybrid Voice Changer Mask, Real Arsenal Number 10 shirt, Transformers Movie Leader Optimus Prime, Flytech Dragonfly, Tyco Cyber Shocker, Dinosaur version of Robosapiens, Mortal Kombat TV Game, Radio controlled Mercedes SLR, Z-Rex Blaster, Spiderman Shooter and Mask, Captain Scarlett Skybase, Mighty Monster Truck, No Harry Potter games (these are still just boring games).

From
Theo Markham, age 6

Dear Father Christmas

I wish very much snow like in my country.
A Parka with furry trim
Book on English customs
A cuddle from someone who is kind and looks nice too.

Love
Monika (I nineteen).

Tom, you should have a health warning

2007-11-26T00:51:00.000-08:00

Tom, you should have a health warning: ‘ I wear elasticated shoes because I trip over my own laces …’I do career entropy – what do you do in the office?’ There’s a huge Visa bill on the dresser for all the things we can’t afford before Christmas. Please pay it because this may be the last time we are ever able not to afford a hundred and eight Christmas presents equivalent to the GDP of a minor African nation. There’s a gas bill next to it. Please pay that too. I’m going to be late tonight. Some of the younger members of my team have invited me out for a drink. They’re always inviting me out for a drink – because they’re in their twenties and thirties, they’re single and, do you know what, they’re happy, and I’m always saying ‘I’ve got to rush home. I’ve got to check the children have done their homework and that my prat of a husband isn’t just sitting there reading a book on the M11.’ But this time I’ve said yes. Tell Monika Fay needs picking up from Brownies and the Dinosaur Shapes are at the top of the freezer. Have you ever thought about working in a sleep laboratory – or would that take too much energy and initiative?

Bella

Dear Tom

2007-11-23T01:02:00.000-08:00

University of Teddington,
Teddington Road
Teddington TW11 OLY

22 November 2007

Dear Tom,

As a valued and long-standing member of the university, you will be aware that we are currently having to assess our priorities in the interests of efficiency and cost-savings.

It is therefore with regret that I have to inform you that, as from the New Year, Middlesex Studies will cease to be offered at the university and existing students will be transferred to the M25: Psycho-Geography and Beyond module.

As the only remaining member of the Middlesex Studies team we would like to thank you for your major contribution to the University of Teddington and wish you well in your future career.

A member of our team will be available to discuss redundancy details and a special free helpline is available to help you examine other career options.

Yours sincerely

pp. Jon Benson, Human Resources Manager, University of Teddington

Tombasin uttu!

2007-11-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

My Sven not at school. I see Josh and Cressida who smiles at me. ‘We had a lovely time at Bella and Tom’s,’ she say. ‘It was so nice to sample one of your national dishes - and there’s everyone thinking you only did beetroot.’

Mrs Awale asks if I is having a depression. She ask if I want to come back to where she live and before I know it we are on bus to Finsbury Park. Hers is small flat up many stairs where you not even think there is a room. I see she embarrassed for me to see that she does not have many things but in my experience most English has too much and at least there is plenty charity shops to give all their horrid things.

She make me cup of tea and put arm around me. I see photo on her table. Is nice-looking man with big smile. She say is her husband. ‘Is he out at work?’ I say. She look at photo and tell me he not, he dead. He killed in Somalia by rebel people who want to take over government. She not even know where he buried. Is why she and Ahmed must leave their country fast-like.

I put arm around her now. We is both doing our boo-hooing together, except she only do little cry and she ask me if I am alright. I say it is nothing and she give me another cup of tea. I say we is being like English people who is drinking the tea when they is too embarrassed to say what they really meaning. She say I am trying to be like English person and we both laughing.

I not telling her that I escape from my country too. I not telling her I leave letter for my mother on table to say I go to America with dream of making career in fast-food so she not know where I am. She want me to marry Arvo Pitkin. I not care if he big in fridge magnet business and has loft apartment in downtown Tallinn. He forty years old and big in stomach too, with hairy bits in all places except the head. Is not surprising I run away.Tombasin uttu!

Pan Pagans Winter Solstice Celebration

2007-11-21T01:46:00.000-08:00

Bella not talking to Tom. Before she not talking she give list of reasons why she not wishing to have the relations:
1. He talk about Health and Safety meeting at his work last night.
2. He find Simply Red CD behind Jungle Book video.
3. He bring out Spirit of European Co-operation birch liquor from Estonia she saving for sink cleaning.
4. He fall asleep.
5. He has four-inch nostril hair that move when he snore.
6. He ask Antony about crisis of art under hyper-capitalism when everyone discussing Tracey Emin’s Marc Jacobs dress.
7. He mention psycho geography: no one want to hear about sad middle-aged men who is more psychos than geographers.
8. He has not heard of Paris Hilton.
9. He not need to mention that her parents has connection with central heating and comes from Essex.
10. He always like to remind everyone in public of this fact because his mother is half-timbered in Oxfordshire.
If Bella see how her husband being wiped by Cressida, ex-neighbour, I think she not talking forever.

Sophie give me big hug today. Money this Antony man put in her bowl pay for leaflets she and Eric needing.
‘Oh, Monika, ‘ she say giving me extra kisses, ‘Eric really thinks he has found a way to save the world from the excesses of advanced consumer capitalism at this time of the year. We just needed better marketing, that was all.’

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Highgate Wood
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Activities include:
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Quality Vegan food. Wellingtons and sleeping bag essential
£250.00, concessions available
For more information: shivaeric171@zenmail.com

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period

2007-11-20T01:24:00.000-08:00

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period. But is glad they have found way round it. Is called Monika.

Bella invite used-to-be neighbours, Cressida and Antony Self, they moved to
Muswell Hill (has SpaceNK: it say you are better class of person). Cressida is interior designer, mainly on own house, who persuade Bella to have dildo rail. She gives her flowers and say, ‘I hope they go with your latest colour scheme, Bella.. I seem to remember you had a serious flirtation with yellow but I know how most of our colour palettes have gone and exploded.’ He is TV producer for programmes where fat people crying because they cannot be top models. I never seen so much white on persons except at Eurovision Song Contest when our Ruffus think he Tony Christie. Cressida shop at shop called White in Marrowbone High Street. Bella does her tut-tut thing as Tom late arriving because of Health and Safety meeting and still wear old shirt and hairy tie which Cressida lean over for examination. She wear not very protective Wonderbra as we can all see

I certainly learning a lot if I ever wish to make my own English dinner party. First you must discuss special subjects, all very important: like ‘house price’ (you must pretend feel sorry for first-time buyer who cannot afford to pay your high prices), ‘the government’ (everyone is against it but they do not know if they can vote for the one after the bald one, sorry I do not know his name) and ‘congestion charges’ (everyone support it but say should not have to pay for essential trip, like when go to Selfridges).

It not my fault if Crab Linguini become small and hard in oven. I try to think what my mother do in this situation; she probably cry or sing Estonian national anthem so not helpful. But then I has BIG IDEA and am remembering national starter, Pork Sult in jelly. I tell everyone we has Crab Bruschetta in Mint Jelly – is only kind of jelly I find in fridge. I say is Estonian dish that fuel our independence movements. They chewing for long, long while, which is good as no one may say how it will be digested, then Cressida say ‘You won’t believe the wonderful food my au-pair, Sven, makes,’ and she describe vision of loveliness that is HIM. She cannot imagine what she did before: he is so caring and they have this special relationship. Is like she has dropped bomb straight on my head. She make me fear for poor Sven. She Hannibal Lecter when it come to innocent young man I sure. I see her husband Antony doing thing with eye at me. When I remember English word for it I ask him if he do a lot of wanking. Bella apologise. ‘Just a little misunderstanding,’ she say to guests. ‘She’s from Estonia.’

But then is sound of child screaming. I remember that I am Life in Bella’s Life-Work Balance and life is needing me upstairs.

The screaming is from Theo. He has nightmare that Arsenal loses to
Teddington Wanderers and so he wetted himself. I change him and take wet
pyjama to bathroom, but on landing I hear sound of humming. There is smell of joss stick. Sophie is in bedroom next door that say ‘Beware All Ye Who Enter Here’. She with Shiva Eric. I join them in circle round red lava lamp where they is humming like the bumble bees. ‘It’s for love and prosperity, Monika,’ Sophie say. Eric tell me they plan for Christmas. Except not with baby Jesus and tinsel but Pan Pagan and Winter Solstice celebrations. Is in special tent thing called bender in a wood. But they is still needing money for their leaflet thing.

On my way to bathroom there is suddenly hand on my upstairs parts. It is this Antony, husband of Cressida. I scream and am putting wet pyjamas on his face. Then Sophie she out of bedroom and giving Kung Fu to his downstairs parts. He shouting ‘Stop stop – are you weapon of mass destruction?’. She say she let everyone know what he do unless he give big donation to her dharma charity bowl. Is first time I seen him look nervous. He put money in, lot of money.

Downstairs I see Tom and Cressida together in kitchen. She has hand I can only say on his private place. Tom look surprised. ‘I’m only helping him wipe off some spilt food. Can you pass the tea towel?’ she say. I think she look like woman who has more than J Cloth on mind. In England couples only seem to enjoy selves when they not with person they married to. I not surprised so many of the English couples is being divorced. Only reason they have wedding is to pretend they is Pete and Jordan for one day in OK Magazine and is given a toaster

I learning more about the English than I expect. Is what is called steep learning curve. I think I is going right up curvy bit.

Have marked recipe in Nigella Lawson

2007-11-19T01:03:00.000-08:00

Re. tonight’s dinner party, have marked recipe in Nigella Lawson. (She very famous English cookery, er, person. Monika, why am I starting to sound like you?). Theo only allowed to watch American Wrestling if does piano practice. Make sure children in bed by time I get home. Terminator 2 as special treat. Remember fish fingers.
Sorry, page 29. Crab Linguini.

Bella x

Hide the Simply Red CDs. (picture of man called Mick Hucknell in white suit). Remember to light John Galliano candle as soon as fish fingers over. Check kids have done minimum homework – do not do Fay’s for her this time. Teacher suspects her encyclopaedic knowledge of Estonian needlework. And under no circumstances offer Theo’s Bob the Builder biscuits to guests. They are part of his introduction to Life Skills and he hasn’t yet mastered washing the hands or removing the black bits. Sophie has Eric visiting this evening. Keep her bedroom door open at all times!

Bella.

I happy in Tesco (supermarket, most of depressed people in Crouch End are here, I think). This is because I doing shopping for dinner party and imagine I is famous cook like Nigella Lawson who wear pretty dress and is doing cookery for our dinner party. Then I remember it is me and my face soon as long as my father’s when he hears Soviet Union no more and will not take his beetroots for burning in power stations no longer. My breathing funny like dog you leave in hot car.

‘Follow your breath slowly - and relax each part of your body as you move on Life’s Journey.’ I hear voice from loudspeaker thing that just now saying breaded chicken wings.
‘We are only grains of sand in existence’s big quarry. We should remember this at every moment, Monika.’
Is Shiva Eric. He wearing white coat and hat and his badge say: Eric Bassett, Assistant Master Baker.
He put down microphone and put arm around me.
‘It’s important to see the symbolic significance of what we are afraid of.’
‘Mainly poisoning English family and finding even dog owners in Polva do not want me anymore,’ I say.
‘Will Eric Bassett please go to fresh curry immediately and then see the duty supervisor,’ says another microphone voice.
‘None of us can escape our spiritual destinies,’ he say. He go off to fresh curry. I think he trying to tell me something.

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven

2007-11-16T03:17:00.000-08:00

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven. He waits for me. He stand there and I not believing my eyes. But then I see he there with Josh and other parents too. Mrs Willoughby she say, ‘We have a minor flood. It looks as if a mixed infant with behavioural problems got in and turned the taps on when the cleaner took the rubbish out. It shows all the signs of an ex-Montessori child whose mother won’t have Gina Ford in the house.’ Their teacher look like candle that almost completely melted now.
‘We can still go to our café,’ says Sven. ‘We will just have to bring along the children.’
‘It it organic?’ says Josh. ‘I’m only allowed to have things that are orange and don’t taste very nice.’
Fay want to sit with me and Sven as we have our coffees. The boys go away to play Killer Pharoahs under tables because they dressed for Ancient Egyptians (wearing bin bags and things from Claire’s Accessories)
‘There is not many boy au-pairs I is knowing,’ I say.
‘Cressida asked for a Swedish male au-pair,’ he say. ‘She thinks Swedes are all middle-class and don’t have any social problems, and a man is less likely to be crying for his mother. It just happened that I wanted a year off in London before the final year of my course. Are you doing a course in Estonia?’
‘I is delaying it, ‘ I tell him with nervousness.
‘What is it in?’ he say.
‘It is general,’ I say.
‘I thought it was needlework,’ Fay tell him. ‘ Monika did all my homework the other night.’
‘She six,’ I remind him. ‘She want to read Bratz book in bag.’
‘What do you like least about being an au-pair, Monika?’ he ask.
I not even thinking as I say, ‘I not like it when the Markhams they walk around in their underclothing. I think how would they like it if I did it to them?’
He smile and is silent for a while. ‘That is funny, Monika, but I have the same problem with Cressida. I think she wear nice pants but I do not want to see them, especially when we are alone in the house.’
Is then my frothy coffee is spilling out at thought of this woman alone with handsome young Swede man.
‘But it is not for too long, ‘ he say.
‘No,’ I reply.
‘I am quite busy at the moment but I would like very much for us to go to an English pub soon. I expect you are busy too.’
‘She isn’t,’ say Fay. ‘She sits on the funny bed in the attic and cries because she wants a boyfriend except she tells my mother it’s because she’s homesick. So I expect she can do any evening when you’re free, I shouldn’t worry too much.
‘I shall pay,’ say Sven.
‘He probably has a pretty girlfriend in Sweden, Monika. He’s only being nice to you,’ Fay say.
I kick Fay under table only I am hitting my toe instead.

I nervous that I meet Sven

2007-11-15T01:02:00.000-08:00

I nervous that I meet Sven. But instead I meet Theo’s friend Ahmed on way to school. He nice boy from a country that I know not UK but who say he really Bart Simpson. He say I look like Marge Simpson and I not know if he being rude or not. Person carrying all his bags and lunch box (The Simpsons) behind him is his mother. She nice person too. ‘I am not speaking the Englishes as good as my son,’ she say with apologetics. ‘He let me know what most things mean. But we is none of us knowing this.’ She show me school letter about the Red Nose Day. I say I not know either unless it about the red noses we gets in my country after National Liberation Day. I do not think she has the Estonian sense of humour.

Mrs G, lollipop lady, she waving to us and take us to middle of road where she is stopping and showing us her hole. She not minding that cars are doing much bibbing. Is now a cabbage and part of person’s curry meal. ‘It’s shaping up nicely,’ she say and sing song called Irish Rover that I tell Mrs Ahmed is about Irish dog called Rover and is very sad I think. Is then He walk past with boy Josh. He say hallo but what kind of hallo is it? I think it is not HALLO! or even H-A-L-L-O! but just little hallo. I think I am wearing new smock top (£8.99, H&M) and best jeans just to look at cabbage in hole. I cannot run after him because Mrs G is discovering that Mrs Ahmed come from Finsbury Park too and they want to do the talking. All I can think is that cabbage is wish come true from fairy godmother, who cannot always give the big prizes. I should be grateful. But then Sven come back. He say sorry he is doing the rushing but will I have drink with him tomorrow night. I say yes, yes, yes, yes, is much better than cabbage. He look at me strange like.

The people here does not have normal lives

2007-11-14T00:48:00.000-08:00

The people here does not have normal lives like those in Estonia. I imagine if my parents never came back from jobs until late in evenings and strange person is seeing if my Cabbage Patch Doll is on right side of bed and then checking to see if I alive, when she remember. But then I suppose my mother not have nice Smeg fridge or emergency holidays in place called Centre Park so she be very depressed person here in UK.

Is early home for Tom and Bella tonight (Bella read Theo story about the Horrid Henry but he say this boy is gay. I not understand this.) It seem as if Tom, who has very big job as lecturer in M.25 Studies at University of Teddington, is going to sleep as is usual, but Bella she shake him.
‘I thought we should do some entertaining,’ she say.
He look up sudden, as if some electricity it been put into his body.
‘I thought that’s what you said. We went to a Neighbourhood Watch meeting earlier this year,’ he reply.
I watch Bella try not to look cross; I tell this is not first time.
‘Oh, don’t worry, no one’s expecting you to do anything. You can just sit there and moan about peer reviewing. But I do occasionally need to meet people when I’m not (a) obviously pre-menopausal and rushing to catch a bus; (b) putting out the rubbish; (c) telling Jehovah’s Witnesses that I’m a Darwinian-Marxist-Buddhist.’
‘Does than mean the Selfs?’
‘If it’s escaped your attention we haven’t seen Cressida and Antony since the PTA Flamenco and Car Boot Sale Evening last July. They are our ex-neighbours.’
‘’I think you’ll find they did a runner to Muswell Hill for a reason.’
‘You know Cressida told us it was nothing personal - they needed to invest the production company money and she was gutted to move away from her old friends.’
Tom makes spluttering noise that sound as if he is too late for the tissue.
‘Just don’t say anything, alright, then we’ll have a perfectly good evening.’
‘I don’t know who’s going to do all the preparations. We haven’t got the time.’
Bella look in my direction and does her smiling.
‘I’m sure Monika will welcome the chance to organise a dinner party. It will be an exciting introduction to the way we English like entertaining.’
Tom make another spluttering noise. I not think that nice.

Make sure Sophie's bedroom is kept open

2007-11-13T02:04:00.000-08:00

Please make sure Sophie’s bedroom door is kept open at all times
Bella

Bella and Tom is late doing important working and I am cooking the Turkey Twizzlers for us all (I now know how to cook my first English dish) and the broccoli. Theo say he only allowed to eat vegetables if he watch American Wrestling on TV. I say maybe later if he does homework. We watches Hollyoaks programme altogether. It is about blonde teenagers who is doing the crying every episode. Fay ask if we have programmes like this in Estonia. I tell her we might have fall of Communism but we not ready for moody girls in quarter of a dress who has crisis because they not blonde enough.

When it is time for homework Theo tell me he has already made his Bob the Builder biscuits for Life Skills, so he can watch TV. Fay say she has to write about something that interest her, except that nothing does. I cross and tell her she has plenty opportunities and because we cannot think of nothing else she writes on Estonian needlework. I ask Theo about his friend Josh and their au-pair. He say Sven is nice man who let them play Ninja fighters on his back. I not ask six year-old if he has regular girlfriend who is over five-foot and look like Paris Hilton.

Is then I remember Sophie upstairs (where she eat vegetarian food). What if bedroom door has closed itself? What if she and boyfriend has already run away to go to Glastonbury Festival like Bella says they must never do? Is funny smell outside room like you have been in a church too long. Is funny sound too like you has plaster over mouth and cannot do the proper talking. Is so dark in her room and only light is purple lamp called larva. They are sitting on floor making the OMMMMMMMMMMM noise.

‘We’re doing transcendental meditation to re-unite ourselves with the Mother Goddess,’ whispers Sophie and ask me to join them.
She introduce me to her boyfriend. She say his name is Shiva Eric and he is seventeen.
‘Eric thinks a lot of the world’s problems come from the fact that we don’t know ourselves,’ she say.
Eric is ommming loudly so good chance he knows himself very well.
‘He’s just started life-coaching and we’re both hoping for some very big things.’
She give me card.
Is now I see Eric better and I know I see him before. He serve me sliced bread in supermarket and is wearing hair net, I tell Sophie.
‘Unfortunately he still has to work in Tesco for the time being. He sees the malaise of advanced western capitalism every day as an assistant master baker.’
I is sympathising.

Shiva Eric – Transformational Change Through Interactive Analysis
· Insomnia, Acne, Depression, PMT, Menopause
· Spiritual awakening
· Dead pets
· Channelling
· Relationship problems
· Christmas stress
‘The train at the end of the tunnel is only a rainbow coming’ –
Rates on request:
Shivaeric171@zenmail.com

Theo must have his Probiotic Rice Krispies

2007-11-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

Monika –
Apologies for note – early morning meeting. Hope everything I said last night made sense. Here are some extra notes to help you:
1. Theo must have his Probiotic Rice Krispies (can no longer claim to be choking on free gift – has swallowed this already)
2. Fay will claim she has a nut allergy and can’t eat school lunches. Don’t believe her.
3. Wake Sophie up and frisk for body piercings (pieces of metal in unexpected places, you will need to check her all over)
4. Theo’s homework is behind toilet cistern
5. Please make sure Fay takes Diary of Anne Frank to school and not Christina Aguilera’s Diary (latter is pink).
6. Toaster on high means house on fire
7. Theo’s class dressing up as favourite character for Literacy Hour. Give him black dustbin bag.
8. Sophie must do games – bad astral projection no excuse
9. Wake up Tom – if you can.
Good luck,
Bella

Today is day at school. Children tell me it is not but I know truth. Bella leave early but Tom is still in bed (I think). Sophie say she is allowed to have row of safety pins down clothes and goes early by herself. Fay say she is not talking to anyone in house and I am lucky one..

For safeness we cross road with Lollipop Lady (her sign is like a lollipop – is not a lollipop herself). She have big cover-up coat yellow like canary. A nice lady called Mrs G.
Mrs G she like to walk out in front of these big cars called Four by Fours with her lollipop. It seem most English children goes to school in car and any still walking is afraid of being knocked down by them. Is first person I seen smiling here in England.

‘What’s your name, dear?’ she ask in voice that children tell me is Irish
‘Do you want to see my hole?’ Is one of many big holes in road. We look. Is full of the Macdonald’s wrappers. ‘It’s the Council,’ she say and is nodding her head. But if you make a wish and put it in my hole it’ll come true.’ Is English custom, I am supposing. I will come back later with many wishes. I tell her. Theo, he wave at friends in these big cars called 4 x 4. They make sign back with finger. Is English sign, I think.

I leave Theo with his teacher Mrs Willoughby (if you ever seen candle burning at both ends you have right picture of this poor woman. I think she melt to nothing by next week.). Fay meet another girl and is gone. But as I say my bye byes I is given a vision of loveliness greater than when George Clooney first appear on Tallin TV. He about ten feet tall – he a GIANT GOD, I am dwarf – so blonde and with gentle tan that is not the St Tropez from shop. When my friend Kaja says her Mart is handsome I think the King Kong is the nearest in the comparison tables.

‘I am Sven Appelson,’ he say. He speak to me and hold out his hand! I remember my own name after while and I am telling him. He deep voice like Darth Vader, except I not scared. ‘I am au-pair of Josh, Theo’s friend.’ He drama student from Stockholm here for year to improve his English. ‘I have urgent business but we meet again,’ he tell me. I know we must. Is like Song Square in Tallinn as we starting our Singing Revolution! I feel iron destiny of Estonia history that does all its pulsating in me ferocious-like and I has not even made my wish in hole of Mrs G yet!

Bella would like to apologise

2007-11-10T04:36:00.000-08:00

Bella would like to apologise for her comment about Gorbachev last night. She now realizes why he is not popular in Estonia, given that he was your country’s oppressor. It was difficult for us in Britain only seeing him on Channel Four News. She should have stopped at three Pinots.

Tom

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan!

2007-11-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan! I au-pair for Markham family, Bella and Tom and children Theo (6), Fay (8) and Sophie (14). I feel already million miles from my country, although is only 3-hour Easy Jet plane. (I thank my best friend Kaja for thrombosis socks you knit but I not needing them this time). I have determination for being BEST Estonian au-pair ever in Crouch End!

I can use family computer while all out. I write in English and emailing to Kaja for improving both our Englishes.

They such a busy family, these Markhams, that already I not know if they or I is a coming or going, though I have idea who must do big pile of washing up and ironing. Lillegi liigutama!

I not often seeing Tom (quiet lecturer person) or Bella (not quiet): she does big something in advertising in nice business woman’s suit called Prada and leave house early. They need a Monika to make sure the children is going to school and not just reading the Heat magazine to see if Jennifer Anniston too fat or thin or watching the Willy Wonka 128 times. I having lot of responsibility. I worry I not tell truth of my experiencing children. Only Kaja know I only do the dog-sitting in Polva.

They give me small room at top of house where keeps their old things e.g. Barbie Castle, old computer, kilt (is Scottish skirt with furry thing in front). I have Holly Hobbie duvet like when I was six which mean I not so homesick.

When parents go next door to have argument is my big opportunity to talk to children proper. Fay say ‘Mum and Dad think you are strange. They wonder if everyone from Estonia is funny like you?’ But Fay and Theo likes me they say because I am midget (nasty word means small) but I say I am five foot in my reindeer tights and I taller than them so they must know who is boss. They tell me their parents is not affording me so easy but it got that ‘enough was enough’ when they so late one night Fay has to go with teacher to her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I only worry when they say they are hungry. I not know what to do.

Welcome, I hope we're going to like you.

2007-11-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

To Monika
Welcome. I hope we’re going to like you.
Lots of love
Fay, Sophie, Theo (call me Thierry Henry), Tom, Bella (sorry about the card, it was all they had) xxxx