You think they is Waltons but is really Sopranos

Is bad, since last time I write.

Is Tom, he and this Cressida they having something together. Ican’t believe either. Bella discover Tom is taking off the pants in Cressida bedroom. You see Tom, you wonder sometimes if he even have a pulse, but is quieter ones, we know. I remember Erkhi in Geography lesson. He not say word in class while we study Ice Age but once behind terminal moraine in field he is melting all inhibitions. I in chair quite moody myself doing ‘Are You a Romantic Failure?’ quiz when Bella she explode like nuclear bomb. ‘It seems you can’t keep your job or your Y-fronts in place,’ she say. ‘ But at least you got round to doing something, I suppose. Can the hole in the ceiling and the radiator be next, please.’ Bella ‘tired and emotional’ (we say this in Britain; lower class people say ‘knackered’, not so nice).

Tom he tell Bella this Cressida invite him round to show him old Middlesex paintings she buy. He not expect them to be in bedroom. ‘One thing led to another and it was only one minute thirty seconds,’ he say. I not sure if he boasting or saying it hardly anything. I think of Sven with this woman – what else she be taking up into her bedroom? Is pictures of Sven’s home town to bring him back the memories? No wonder Sven not ringing – she probably has rooms full of his favourite
things. What does I have?

Then Bella she tell Tom to leave now. She cannot have him here. Bella then cry. I’m not knowing what to say because the underpants is not lying. ‘I thought Cressida and me were friends,’ she say, ‘but she always did look down on my John Lewis china.’ It not her fault she could not afford the
Conran, she say. I bring Mansize tissues and she does big blow. I not hear Cressida described in so many nasty words before. It so good. These English middle class families, Kaja. You think is Waltons but find out is really Sopranos.

I go see Tom in tree house. I do knock knock as I do not wish to trespass. Is under black cloak of Sophie which say ‘I believe in fairies.’ I ask if I get him cup of tea but he say no (I learn in UK if any difficult emotion situation you ask them if they want the tea and hope they say yes and you not having to talk to them about the difficult thing.) Tom say no.

I do little cry for them both as I walk back through cold garden. I cry for Fay, Theo and Sophie. I cry for myself – Sven still NOT ring - I cry for Estonia during all years when Father Christmas banned because not member of Communist Party. I cry for world. I look up at stars twinkling, so clear and bright, and wonder what they thinking about us mad people down here?

I hear from my friend Kaja that she starting Christmas preparations with her Mart and has been to snowy forest together to find their Christmas tree. I teach children traditional Christmas Bottle game our boys and girls knows from Estonian past, and show how one who has moved bottle has to kiss person it point at. They look at me as if I sad person from sad country. I expect boy Vladislav be preparing his Baltic Ice Queen Margharitas now and is doing Christmas display with parrots. I just a little bit home-sick.

Pan Pagans Winter Solstice Celebration

Bella not talking to Tom. Before she not talking she give list of reasons why she not wishing to have the relations:
1. He talk about Health and Safety meeting at his work last night.
2. He find Simply Red CD behind Jungle Book video.
3. He bring out Spirit of European Co-operation birch liquor from Estonia she saving for sink cleaning.
4. He fall asleep.
5. He has four-inch nostril hair that move when he snore.
6. He ask Antony about crisis of art under hyper-capitalism when everyone discussing Tracey Emin’s Marc Jacobs dress.
7. He mention psycho geography: no one want to hear about sad middle-aged men who is more psychos than geographers.
8. He has not heard of Paris Hilton.
9. He not need to mention that her parents has connection with central heating and comes from Essex.
10. He always like to remind everyone in public of this fact because his mother is half-timbered in Oxfordshire.
If Bella see how her husband being wiped by Cressida, ex-neighbour, I think she not talking forever.

Sophie give me big hug today. Money this Antony man put in her bowl pay for leaflets she and Eric needing.
‘Oh, Monika, ‘ she say giving me extra kisses, ‘Eric really thinks he has found a way to save the world from the excesses of advanced consumer capitalism at this time of the year. We just needed better marketing, that was all.’

Pan Pagans now is your chance to re-connect with the season’s true meaning
Winter Solstice Celebration
Highgate Wood
21 – 31 December
Experience days and nights in the wood with like-minded people exploring
your inner-most being and forging new connections with the great Mother
Spirit.
Activities include:
· Chanting
· Storytelling
· Yoga
· Wood chopping
· Bender building skills
· Drumming
· Moon painting
Quality Vegan food. Wellingtons and sleeping bag essential
£250.00, concessions available
For more information: shivaeric171@zenmail.com

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period. But is glad they have found way round it. Is called Monika.

Bella invite used-to-be neighbours, Cressida and Antony Self, they moved to
Muswell Hill (has SpaceNK: it say you are better class of person). Cressida is interior designer, mainly on own house, who persuade Bella to have dildo rail. She gives her flowers and say, ‘I hope they go with your latest colour scheme, Bella.. I seem to remember you had a serious flirtation with yellow but I know how most of our colour palettes have gone and exploded.’ He is TV producer for programmes where fat people crying because they cannot be top models. I never seen so much white on persons except at Eurovision Song Contest when our Ruffus think he Tony Christie. Cressida shop at shop called White in Marrowbone High Street. Bella does her tut-tut thing as Tom late arriving because of Health and Safety meeting and still wear old shirt and hairy tie which Cressida lean over for examination. She wear not very protective Wonderbra as we can all see

I certainly learning a lot if I ever wish to make my own English dinner party. First you must discuss special subjects, all very important: like ‘house price’ (you must pretend feel sorry for first-time buyer who cannot afford to pay your high prices), ‘the government’ (everyone is against it but they do not know if they can vote for the one after the bald one, sorry I do not know his name) and ‘congestion charges’ (everyone support it but say should not have to pay for essential trip, like when go to Selfridges).

It not my fault if Crab Linguini become small and hard in oven. I try to think what my mother do in this situation; she probably cry or sing Estonian national anthem so not helpful. But then I has BIG IDEA and am remembering national starter, Pork Sult in jelly. I tell everyone we has Crab Bruschetta in Mint Jelly – is only kind of jelly I find in fridge. I say is Estonian dish that fuel our independence movements. They chewing for long, long while, which is good as no one may say how it will be digested, then Cressida say ‘You won’t believe the wonderful food my au-pair, Sven, makes,’ and she describe vision of loveliness that is HIM. She cannot imagine what she did before: he is so caring and they have this special relationship. Is like she has dropped bomb straight on my head. She make me fear for poor Sven. She Hannibal Lecter when it come to innocent young man I sure. I see her husband Antony doing thing with eye at me. When I remember English word for it I ask him if he do a lot of wanking. Bella apologise. ‘Just a little misunderstanding,’ she say to guests. ‘She’s from Estonia.’

But then is sound of child screaming. I remember that I am Life in Bella’s Life-Work Balance and life is needing me upstairs.

The screaming is from Theo. He has nightmare that Arsenal loses to
Teddington Wanderers and so he wetted himself. I change him and take wet
pyjama to bathroom, but on landing I hear sound of humming. There is smell of joss stick. Sophie is in bedroom next door that say ‘Beware All Ye Who Enter Here’. She with Shiva Eric. I join them in circle round red lava lamp where they is humming like the bumble bees. ‘It’s for love and prosperity, Monika,’ Sophie say. Eric tell me they plan for Christmas. Except not with baby Jesus and tinsel but Pan Pagan and Winter Solstice celebrations. Is in special tent thing called bender in a wood. But they is still needing money for their leaflet thing.

On my way to bathroom there is suddenly hand on my upstairs parts. It is this Antony, husband of Cressida. I scream and am putting wet pyjamas on his face. Then Sophie she out of bedroom and giving Kung Fu to his downstairs parts. He shouting ‘Stop stop – are you weapon of mass destruction?’. She say she let everyone know what he do unless he give big donation to her dharma charity bowl. Is first time I seen him look nervous. He put money in, lot of money.

Downstairs I see Tom and Cressida together in kitchen. She has hand I can only say on his private place. Tom look surprised. ‘I’m only helping him wipe off some spilt food. Can you pass the tea towel?’ she say. I think she look like woman who has more than J Cloth on mind. In England couples only seem to enjoy selves when they not with person they married to. I not surprised so many of the English couples is being divorced. Only reason they have wedding is to pretend they is Pete and Jordan for one day in OK Magazine and is given a toaster

I learning more about the English than I expect. Is what is called steep learning curve. I think I is going right up curvy bit.

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven. He waits for me. He stand there and I not believing my eyes. But then I see he there with Josh and other parents too. Mrs Willoughby she say, ‘We have a minor flood. It looks as if a mixed infant with behavioural problems got in and turned the taps on when the cleaner took the rubbish out. It shows all the signs of an ex-Montessori child whose mother won’t have Gina Ford in the house.’ Their teacher look like candle that almost completely melted now.
‘We can still go to our café,’ says Sven. ‘We will just have to bring along the children.’
‘It it organic?’ says Josh. ‘I’m only allowed to have things that are orange and don’t taste very nice.’
Fay want to sit with me and Sven as we have our coffees. The boys go away to play Killer Pharoahs under tables because they dressed for Ancient Egyptians (wearing bin bags and things from Claire’s Accessories)
‘There is not many boy au-pairs I is knowing,’ I say.
‘Cressida asked for a Swedish male au-pair,’ he say. ‘She thinks Swedes are all middle-class and don’t have any social problems, and a man is less likely to be crying for his mother. It just happened that I wanted a year off in London before the final year of my course. Are you doing a course in Estonia?’
‘I is delaying it, ‘ I tell him with nervousness.
‘What is it in?’ he say.
‘It is general,’ I say.
‘I thought it was needlework,’ Fay tell him. ‘ Monika did all my homework the other night.’
‘She six,’ I remind him. ‘She want to read Bratz book in bag.’
‘What do you like least about being an au-pair, Monika?’ he ask.
I not even thinking as I say, ‘I not like it when the Markhams they walk around in their underclothing. I think how would they like it if I did it to them?’
He smile and is silent for a while. ‘That is funny, Monika, but I have the same problem with Cressida. I think she wear nice pants but I do not want to see them, especially when we are alone in the house.’
Is then my frothy coffee is spilling out at thought of this woman alone with handsome young Swede man.
‘But it is not for too long, ‘ he say.
‘No,’ I reply.
‘I am quite busy at the moment but I would like very much for us to go to an English pub soon. I expect you are busy too.’
‘She isn’t,’ say Fay. ‘She sits on the funny bed in the attic and cries because she wants a boyfriend except she tells my mother it’s because she’s homesick. So I expect she can do any evening when you’re free, I shouldn’t worry too much.
‘I shall pay,’ say Sven.
‘He probably has a pretty girlfriend in Sweden, Monika. He’s only being nice to you,’ Fay say.
I kick Fay under table only I am hitting my toe instead.

Make sure Sophie's bedroom is kept open

Please make sure Sophie’s bedroom door is kept open at all times
Bella

Bella and Tom is late doing important working and I am cooking the Turkey Twizzlers for us all (I now know how to cook my first English dish) and the broccoli. Theo say he only allowed to eat vegetables if he watch American Wrestling on TV. I say maybe later if he does homework. We watches Hollyoaks programme altogether. It is about blonde teenagers who is doing the crying every episode. Fay ask if we have programmes like this in Estonia. I tell her we might have fall of Communism but we not ready for moody girls in quarter of a dress who has crisis because they not blonde enough.

When it is time for homework Theo tell me he has already made his Bob the Builder biscuits for Life Skills, so he can watch TV. Fay say she has to write about something that interest her, except that nothing does. I cross and tell her she has plenty opportunities and because we cannot think of nothing else she writes on Estonian needlework. I ask Theo about his friend Josh and their au-pair. He say Sven is nice man who let them play Ninja fighters on his back. I not ask six year-old if he has regular girlfriend who is over five-foot and look like Paris Hilton.

Is then I remember Sophie upstairs (where she eat vegetarian food). What if bedroom door has closed itself? What if she and boyfriend has already run away to go to Glastonbury Festival like Bella says they must never do? Is funny smell outside room like you have been in a church too long. Is funny sound too like you has plaster over mouth and cannot do the proper talking. Is so dark in her room and only light is purple lamp called larva. They are sitting on floor making the OMMMMMMMMMMM noise.

‘We’re doing transcendental meditation to re-unite ourselves with the Mother Goddess,’ whispers Sophie and ask me to join them.
She introduce me to her boyfriend. She say his name is Shiva Eric and he is seventeen.
‘Eric thinks a lot of the world’s problems come from the fact that we don’t know ourselves,’ she say.
Eric is ommming loudly so good chance he knows himself very well.
‘He’s just started life-coaching and we’re both hoping for some very big things.’
She give me card.
Is now I see Eric better and I know I see him before. He serve me sliced bread in supermarket and is wearing hair net, I tell Sophie.
‘Unfortunately he still has to work in Tesco for the time being. He sees the malaise of advanced western capitalism every day as an assistant master baker.’
I is sympathising.

Shiva Eric – Transformational Change Through Interactive Analysis
· Insomnia, Acne, Depression, PMT, Menopause
· Spiritual awakening
· Dead pets
· Channelling
· Relationship problems
· Christmas stress
‘The train at the end of the tunnel is only a rainbow coming’ –
Rates on request:
Shivaeric171@zenmail.com

Bella would like to apologise

Bella would like to apologise for her comment about Gorbachev last night. She now realizes why he is not popular in Estonia, given that he was your country’s oppressor. It was difficult for us in Britain only seeing him on Channel Four News. She should have stopped at three Pinots.

Tom

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan!

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan! I au-pair for Markham family, Bella and Tom and children Theo (6), Fay (8) and Sophie (14). I feel already million miles from my country, although is only 3-hour Easy Jet plane. (I thank my best friend Kaja for thrombosis socks you knit but I not needing them this time). I have determination for being BEST Estonian au-pair ever in Crouch End!

I can use family computer while all out. I write in English and emailing to Kaja for improving both our Englishes.

They such a busy family, these Markhams, that already I not know if they or I is a coming or going, though I have idea who must do big pile of washing up and ironing. Lillegi liigutama!

I not often seeing Tom (quiet lecturer person) or Bella (not quiet): she does big something in advertising in nice business woman’s suit called Prada and leave house early. They need a Monika to make sure the children is going to school and not just reading the Heat magazine to see if Jennifer Anniston too fat or thin or watching the Willy Wonka 128 times. I having lot of responsibility. I worry I not tell truth of my experiencing children. Only Kaja know I only do the dog-sitting in Polva.

They give me small room at top of house where keeps their old things e.g. Barbie Castle, old computer, kilt (is Scottish skirt with furry thing in front). I have Holly Hobbie duvet like when I was six which mean I not so homesick.

When parents go next door to have argument is my big opportunity to talk to children proper. Fay say ‘Mum and Dad think you are strange. They wonder if everyone from Estonia is funny like you?’ But Fay and Theo likes me they say because I am midget (nasty word means small) but I say I am five foot in my reindeer tights and I taller than them so they must know who is boss. They tell me their parents is not affording me so easy but it got that ‘enough was enough’ when they so late one night Fay has to go with teacher to her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I only worry when they say they are hungry. I not know what to do.