Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period. But is glad they have found way round it. Is called Monika.

Bella invite used-to-be neighbours, Cressida and Antony Self, they moved to
Muswell Hill (has SpaceNK: it say you are better class of person). Cressida is interior designer, mainly on own house, who persuade Bella to have dildo rail. She gives her flowers and say, ‘I hope they go with your latest colour scheme, Bella.. I seem to remember you had a serious flirtation with yellow but I know how most of our colour palettes have gone and exploded.’ He is TV producer for programmes where fat people crying because they cannot be top models. I never seen so much white on persons except at Eurovision Song Contest when our Ruffus think he Tony Christie. Cressida shop at shop called White in Marrowbone High Street. Bella does her tut-tut thing as Tom late arriving because of Health and Safety meeting and still wear old shirt and hairy tie which Cressida lean over for examination. She wear not very protective Wonderbra as we can all see

I certainly learning a lot if I ever wish to make my own English dinner party. First you must discuss special subjects, all very important: like ‘house price’ (you must pretend feel sorry for first-time buyer who cannot afford to pay your high prices), ‘the government’ (everyone is against it but they do not know if they can vote for the one after the bald one, sorry I do not know his name) and ‘congestion charges’ (everyone support it but say should not have to pay for essential trip, like when go to Selfridges).

It not my fault if Crab Linguini become small and hard in oven. I try to think what my mother do in this situation; she probably cry or sing Estonian national anthem so not helpful. But then I has BIG IDEA and am remembering national starter, Pork Sult in jelly. I tell everyone we has Crab Bruschetta in Mint Jelly – is only kind of jelly I find in fridge. I say is Estonian dish that fuel our independence movements. They chewing for long, long while, which is good as no one may say how it will be digested, then Cressida say ‘You won’t believe the wonderful food my au-pair, Sven, makes,’ and she describe vision of loveliness that is HIM. She cannot imagine what she did before: he is so caring and they have this special relationship. Is like she has dropped bomb straight on my head. She make me fear for poor Sven. She Hannibal Lecter when it come to innocent young man I sure. I see her husband Antony doing thing with eye at me. When I remember English word for it I ask him if he do a lot of wanking. Bella apologise. ‘Just a little misunderstanding,’ she say to guests. ‘She’s from Estonia.’

But then is sound of child screaming. I remember that I am Life in Bella’s Life-Work Balance and life is needing me upstairs.

The screaming is from Theo. He has nightmare that Arsenal loses to
Teddington Wanderers and so he wetted himself. I change him and take wet
pyjama to bathroom, but on landing I hear sound of humming. There is smell of joss stick. Sophie is in bedroom next door that say ‘Beware All Ye Who Enter Here’. She with Shiva Eric. I join them in circle round red lava lamp where they is humming like the bumble bees. ‘It’s for love and prosperity, Monika,’ Sophie say. Eric tell me they plan for Christmas. Except not with baby Jesus and tinsel but Pan Pagan and Winter Solstice celebrations. Is in special tent thing called bender in a wood. But they is still needing money for their leaflet thing.

On my way to bathroom there is suddenly hand on my upstairs parts. It is this Antony, husband of Cressida. I scream and am putting wet pyjamas on his face. Then Sophie she out of bedroom and giving Kung Fu to his downstairs parts. He shouting ‘Stop stop – are you weapon of mass destruction?’. She say she let everyone know what he do unless he give big donation to her dharma charity bowl. Is first time I seen him look nervous. He put money in, lot of money.

Downstairs I see Tom and Cressida together in kitchen. She has hand I can only say on his private place. Tom look surprised. ‘I’m only helping him wipe off some spilt food. Can you pass the tea towel?’ she say. I think she look like woman who has more than J Cloth on mind. In England couples only seem to enjoy selves when they not with person they married to. I not surprised so many of the English couples is being divorced. Only reason they have wedding is to pretend they is Pete and Jordan for one day in OK Magazine and is given a toaster

I learning more about the English than I expect. Is what is called steep learning curve. I think I is going right up curvy bit.