I have urgent news. I start at beginning.

I have urgent news. I start at beginning.

On way from school today I see our lollipop lady. She is singing song in Irish language too complicated to explain ever. She see I down in the rubbish dump – English expression for you is depressed – and does her cheer-up thing. She still wearing her reindeer antlers and tinsel and say ‘Christmas isn’t over, darling, ‘til the fat man squeaks.’ I not understand either. She sees Monika about to do her blubbering and gives her a big hug – is lots of glittering of her tinsel. Then she lets me look in her hole. We sees new curries, the lottery tickets, picture of Father Christmas selling computers. Mrs G tell me to make wish again. I stare at curry with yellow sultanas and make it. She wave her lollipop and say ‘Have you ever known my hole to let us down yet?’ I say thank you and walk across road, only car come and Mrs G must run out and hit with lollipop as if knight’s sword. ‘There,’ she say. ‘we don’t want nasty 4 x 4s to spoil our wishes do we?’

Is only minute later I sees him. My Sven! But is with Cressida Self woman. Why Sven not tell me he back? Why is he with woman he say he not want to be with no more? I takes your advice that I not to let him think I am desperate person to see him again. Men, you is right, need to come running to us women and not to let think we cannot live a moment without them near. It was good you don’t speak to Mart for a week as surely it is this make him worry and love you even more and buy you Joan Rivers fashion diva brooch, bracelet and earring set you was wanting. I goes into telephone box which is nearby and pretend to make telephone call except I then realises there is no telephone. It has been stolen. This is unlucky. It not good idea to stand in telephone box unless you make telephone call. But then door opens. ‘Hallo, Monika.’ I am still remembering your words, honestly, as I am falling into Sven’s arms and he kiss me and I lay head on his furry collar. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch,’ he say with apologies. ‘Things they just got crazy again, as soon as I got back. I hope you will forgive me.’ I not say anything. I not know if I thinking anything. ‘I did some thinking in Stockholm, Monika. I met with some friends who are now actors in Sweden and they are either unemployed or are trying to appear in the adverts for Domestos. I now see if I am to fulfil my dream of being a real actor I will need more money. I have told my modelling agency I wish to continue.’

Sven he now look down even guiltier as I am sure he will next say that we will stay friends but that is all. I feel my stomach going down the stairs but is never reaching the bottom.
‘I would like you to come with me to the English countryside for a long weekend,’ he say.
‘You mean….’ I says, ‘together?’

‘Both of us, Monika. I have never been to Oxfordshire. I have heard it’s very beautiful. In a house that goes back to the time of the Elizabethans and has big fires with logs.’
And all this time I worrying he not bothering with me and is finding girls with long blonde hair like out of Hollyoaks (TV series I watch with children while we has fish fingers – only moderate sex and bad talking). Everything that is going round my head swirling like thick vegetable soup it now comes out in one word: YES.

‘… Antony and Cressida have asked me to look after Josh as they will be entertaining friends there.’
‘Us in the same house as her?’ My stomach go back up stairs to where it was previous.
‘It’s their house, Monika. It belonged to Antony’s father. I didn’t explain properly. Cressida has offered me my old room back while my modelling work is being arranged. But I will only have to look after Josh at weekends as he is at a new school.’
Oh, Kaja, he is even more handsome than I remember. He looks as if taken out of a golden mould and is only original one allowed and should be in special museum with many security guards. I see him dressed like English gentleman in the Upstairs Downstairs in nice waistcoat and smelling of man flowers and me wearing nice dress and not speaking much so that people think I am English lady.

He is young man with career and needs all help he can get. Is only one opportunity and he must be taking it. I say ‘yes.’ Then he is like a rabbit rubbing gently at my face until there is two rabbits doing this snuffling. ‘But only,’ I not know why I says and is difficult when you is both pretending to be rabbits, ‘if we brings Mrs Awale and Ahmed. They need holiday too.’ He say he will mention this to Cressida. Then we is rushing back to Merryfields Avenue, our quick breaths frozen in the air and I wonder if I still in dream.

Do you use a dowsing stick?

Department of Motorway Studies
University of Bexhill,
Brighton Road,
Bexhill,
East Sussex BU9 4HK

4 January 2008

Dear Tom

Thank you for your application for the post of Lecturer in Motorway Studies at Bexhill University. We regret on this occasion you have not been successful but we would like to thank you for your interest in this post.

Yours sincerely
Tracey Longstomps
pp Professor Enzo Sharples Phd MA (Cantab).



The Human Resources Unit
The University of Bury St Edmunds
The Square,
Bury St Edmunds,
West Suffolk CM34 3FG

5 January 2008

Dear Applicant

We have received a large number of applications for this post and regret that we are unable to reply individually to all applicants. We regret that we are unable to offer you an interview on this occasion but wish you every success in your future career.

Yours sincerely
The Human Resources Unit, The University of Bury St Edmunds



Spalding Further Education College
Spalding,
Lincolnshire LN34 7NM

6 January 2008

Dear Tom
We would like to thank you for your job application. Unfortunately, although we read your CV with interest, we regret that we currently have no post that fits your skills frameset.

Yours faithfully
Myra Broadhurst, Childcare and Nursery Interventions, Spalding Further Education College.


Zenith Consulting
Stanford Buildings
Long Acre,
London W15 H40

7 January 2008

Dear Tom
I will keep your CV on file although I would have to say that, as a business consultancy, we do not get many requests from our clients for psychogeographers.
Take care.

Yours sincerely
Bryan Sugar, Director, Zenith Consulting
N.B. Just out of personal interest, do you use a dowsing stick?


Community and Playcare
Haringay Council
Wood Green
London N20 T39

8 January 2008

Dear Mr Markham
Thank you for your recent application for working with Haringay Libraries as a library assistant because you ‘like reading books.’ I would say that today’s library service has a much wider delivery reach and we see ourselves as facilitators for a diverse range of cross-cutting services reaching a diversity of service users, of which books are but one strand. We regret that we are unable to offer you an interview on this occasion but thank you for contacting us. I enclose a diversity evaluation form for our records.
Yours sincerely

Moira T. Tarragon, Head of Information Services

We welcome applications from all sections of the community and do not discriminate on grounds of sexuality, gender, disability, ethnicity or intelligence.

Psychic speed dating - what a concept!

Soph, hi. I’m glad you like the psychic speed dating. Me too – what a concept! Have mentioned it to my manager and, guess what, he says we can try it out at the supermarket’s Valentine’s Day Singles Night. He says he’s fed up with men pretending to be sensitive by putting The Best of Suzanne Vega CD in their trolleys, as it only leads to disappointment. Soph, we’ve got so much work to do. It’s going to be brill!

Eric xx

I hopes you had nice Christmas in Sweden

26 Merryfields Avenue,
Crouch End
London N8
UK
Europe

7 January 2008

Hallo Sven

It is Monika. I hopes you had nice Christmas in Sweden and I has your right address. I having busy time here and is not having many moments to myself.

I hope you like your Christmas present. I tell you a secret: it come from Ikea in Neasden! You not know how much I like this store (we does not have in Estonia: they are not thinking we is sophisticated enough to have the Billy Bookcase). I not liking the other stores and this includes the Harrods where I cannot buy even egg cup without mortgage and assistant think I is Russian footballer’s wife from Chelsea who is is needing the emergency fashion advice. It is not like Ikea where you rest on Noresund bed (£110) and sits on Olarp armchair (£40) and they not mind, even if you only want Lykta table lamp (£3.99). In Crouch End they is all doing the Habitat and Conran Shop. They is believing the nineteen seventies design and horrid brown and orange so trendy, and I am thinking they should go and live with my relatives in Polva who still has original of these with sparkly things on top of TV and pictures of Julio Iglesias. If you not like your bathrobe we can take it back to Ikea together.

I hopes you like New Year’s card. It show dove of world peace by Picasso. We is all hoping. Please tell me address, If you has arranged your new English accommodation. I think there is still space in bender tent if you has not.

All of my love
Monika x

It was a shame about the Pan Pagan Christmas

Hi Soph

It was a shame about the Pan Pagan Christmas – obviously the powers of mass consumerism are stronger than we thought and we should have offered them a free pair of Wellingtons. We need to use the Powers of Transformational Thinking. I have an empowering mental image of us as a one-legged tortoise that must cross mountains and deserts as it wins the race against others with their unfair advantages. One Mother Goddess of a business plan is what we need – one small step in the universal consciousness.

How about …
Holistic dog walking
How to be a Domestic Fruitarian Goddess
What Not To Wear At Wicker Man Festivals
Life coaching for distressed pets
Psychic speed dating

Love

Eric xxx

We currently have expenditure equivalent to Donald Trump's.

Monika

Make mental note of these instructions. We currently have expenditure equivalent to Donald Trump’s but an income that makes the Tailor of Gloucester look like a big lottery winner. Please:
Turn thermostat down to 55 F. People will just have to wear more clothes or, in Tom’s case, some clothes, and not go round wearing pyjamas as if Paris Hilton in a sauna.

Own brand products in supermarket. These are much cheaper tins and packets with nasty labels that actually say what’s inside them e.g. beans and sausages, and don’t suggest that by paying fifty pence more we will have a Tuscan lifestyle. Bargain bins in supermarket. Usually surrounded by old people but please avoid pilchards in tomato sauce.

Lunch boxes. Wholemeal sandwiches or nothing.

Maureen. Stop expensive Scientific Diet immediately – was perfectly happy on Cornflakes and occasional carrot. Under no circumstances to be taken to vet again and told she has neurasthenic condition that requires an intravenous drip and expensive treatment. Have heard that PDSA caravan visits Wood Green shopping centre. Maureen can travel.

Shopping catalogues. Re-cycle immediately.

Tumble dryer. Put on slow, economy spin. If people complain about noise all day they can dry clothes in own rooms.

People to wear only one set of clothes a day. Non-negotiable.

Christmas cards. Stop Sophie re-cycling these immediately. Can be re-used as gift labels for next Christmas.

School trip to Paris Disneyland and Eiffel Tower. We will have to tell Mrs Willoughby that Theo and Fay have a fear of French people and heights.

Monika’s wage. Thank you for your patience here, Monika. It was so good of you to let us post-date our last cheque. I’m sure we’ll be able to sort out this little problem fairly soon.

Bella

N.B Please note how I am using the back of Tom’s job rejection letters to write on. There are plenty of these to choose from.

I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Bella and Tom.

I apologises for lateness of writing, but I have excuse: it was English Christmas. If I say imagine big volcano exploding with hundreds dirty plates and lots of plastic things with batteries that move across carpet for short time, you have excellent picture.

I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Tom and Bella with much love - plenty of recipes like for steamed haddock in milk. But I not keep writing in it many days (you soon find out reason).

25 December 2007

6.00. I is lying in bed when there is big knock on door. It Father Christmas – he not say nothing but bring me tray of breakfast with nice coffee not in Star Wars mug and the croissants. Then I see small pink present with sparkle bow that remind me of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady (after she get the money). I so excited I want to kiss the lovely man. But before I do so he has removed beard. It is Sven! ‘This is for you, darling Monika,’ he say in soft but deep voice and then is like we doing artificial respiration on each other. Then I remembers present and I opens: I not believe my eyes, is diamond ring! Is pink too and shine so expensive like I am HMH Queen except I don’t think she ever had present so thoughtful. I cry but not so much that I look horrid. Sven, his blue eyes shining so bright we hardly needs other light, put ring on my finger and say: ‘This is for us, there is nobody else. We are together now until the end of time, Happy Christmas greetings, my loved one.’ Then he kisses me again, until I hear other voice screaming. It say: ‘The person who gave me the Harry Potter game is going to be dead meat.’ I now really awake in Crouch End.

6.05. Another scream. Fay say she been hit by Hot Wheels Terrodactyl and she throwing doll presents (not Bratz, cheaper like) at brother. ‘Father Christmas he has many boys and girls to make presents for and lots of chimneys to climb down,’ I say. ‘I expect he sometime make mistakes.’ They look at me as if mad person. I go to Christmas tree to see my present from Sven but I cannot find.

6.30 Peeling potatoes. Most of year English eating from packets and likes one day a year to have better food cooked by non-English person if they be lucky. Bella tell me she not usually bother much but her parents is coming and they expecting ‘all the trimmings.’ They like traditional turkey bird which she say is like big brown baby with plastic bag up itself and everyone is worrying if it fit in oven. I has Delia Smith book, so at least I has someone else to blame. I do not understand Brussels sprouts. If they is doing English food why is they having Belgium food? I do not understand the English.

9.10 Bella and Tom gives me present (like I told you, Dairy Diary). They is not giving each other the gifts, just their love. Fay want to know when her real presents is coming and says she is going on Christmas strike and will not say nothing until she has her Bratz Forever Diamonds Funky Fashion Makeover Doll. ‘How boring is this?’ she say. They has given her water bottle for Maureen and books but they is not even from relatives so has no excuse. Theo he too going on strike: he want Air Hogs Zero Gravity Spin Master, not outfit for Action Man that look as if made by someone’s nan. Sophie, who finally up, has tee shirt that say ‘Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down’ that she must not wear because grandparents is coming. She ask if we know how much extra waste Christmas brings and she will start special re-cycling. When no one is there, I has another look for Sven present: there is nothing. He is in a rush and men is like this, they do not like being long time in shops searching for right present and is never remembering the birthdays either. I hope he like luxury bathrobe from Ikea. I does my snuffling and everyone look at me. I say it is the Brussels sprouts.

10.40. We is watching The Snowman film and all adults is crying as snowman melt. Children is not so worried and Theo he laughing.

12.30 There is long time I not remember. Is just me and Delia Smith in kitchen. So much steam and sweat I not seeing everything so clearly. I is only finding half a Christmas pudding and there is no Christmas cake. There is no other vegetables so I cooks more Brussels. Bella come in but I not worry. She has her own bottle of wine because her parents come. She say they will comment on turkey being too dry and I am not to worry. She tell me Christmas only being kept alive by elderly women who spends all year shopping for it, especially scented drawer liners. She doesn’t give much hope for her generation who wants it all out of M & S chill cabinet, especially with nice glass of Chardonnay and some decent sex at end of it.

1.25 Bella’s parents they comes from Essex (place east of London where the girls wears white clothes and doesn’t like to say no – I tell joke about Essex girls when my English better). Is no nice, polite introduction to me and I not told their names, so in my head I am calling them Mr and Mrs Bella.

He is retired bathroom builder who I do not think Bella wants to mention to friends who has Cath Kidston things. You can tell is traditional meal because Bella put out nice glasses and tell Tom to stop reading newspaper. Is good Theo and Fay not talk as Mr Bella say is like old days when children respect parents and only given tangerine in piece of silver paper. I forget to tell you Eric now arrive. Mr and Mrs Bella is asking him what he does and she say he is alchemist. Bella say he work in Tesco as assistant master baker and is hoping for promotion.

I finally introduced. Mr Bella say he sure I nice person but he think the floodgates open too much and there be no English people left soon. He knows for fact English plumbers is all having to go to North Cyprus to do the villas because of the cheap Polish plumbers and these is people who has been down Twyford Civics all their lives. We all think Tom asleep but he then say so we just carrying on paying arm and leg for British builders who take too much time and leave you with soggy floorboards. I see look on Bella’s face: it not good. Tom then say in any case East European immigrants is highly skilled workforce and make major contribution to UK economy. Mr Bella say it pity then that Tom not making major contribution to UK economy, isn’t it? It good time for serving the traditional English Christmas dinner.

I proud of my turkey bird: at least it is all one. Sophie say she and Eric does not wish to be asked why they is eating cashews and not having dead animals. I now realising I cooks too many Brussels and was not good idea either to bring in Maureen (guinea pig) and feed her them. ‘If I had my way I would get my hands on that Ken Livingstone and I would …’ is saying Mr Bella but then it turn into noise I not heard since Soviet dishwasher at Café Flamingo eat up all dishes. Mr Bella is getting red and more red. Eric rush round and hit him on back, fierce-like. Something come out of mouth. Children say is gross and is plastic bag thing that should have dropped out of bird’s bottom before the cooking. They is all looking at me.

4.30 Everyone is making the snoring sounds. Sophie and Eric looks at me doing funny eye thing. Before we goes out I has last look under Christmas tree. Just in case.

5.20 We is in Highgate Woods. Is cold and dark and sound of rain doing drip, drip on leaves like Estonian forest if you have plenty imagination. Tent bender thing now covered in many leaves and branches so you not know is there. Then some leaves is falling off and door opens. Is Ahmed. He say ‘Hallo, Monika’ and ‘This is nice surprise.’ Mrs Awale, in corner of tent, she smile and say do I want cup of Vanilla and Ginseng there is no Typhoo. Is good no one want personal transformation journey for Pan Pagan Christmas so Mrs Awale and Ahmed can stay in tent. Then Sophie handing out presents. I is recognising half a Christmas pudding, Christmas cake, Harry Potter game and many other things. ‘Sorry, we don’t have things for you,’ says Ahmed with apologies. ‘I hope you have been given many nice things.’ I remembering the before Christmas wishes and Sven and me alone in tent and candle that say our love and hope is everlasting and will never go out. But I remind me we must be thinking of people not so lucky, who is not having set of wooden spoons and oven gloves from my friend Kaja with ribbons added by herself.