I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Bella and Tom.

I apologises for lateness of writing, but I have excuse: it was English Christmas. If I say imagine big volcano exploding with hundreds dirty plates and lots of plastic things with batteries that move across carpet for short time, you have excellent picture.

I writing in Dairy Diary, present from Tom and Bella with much love - plenty of recipes like for steamed haddock in milk. But I not keep writing in it many days (you soon find out reason).

25 December 2007

6.00. I is lying in bed when there is big knock on door. It Father Christmas – he not say nothing but bring me tray of breakfast with nice coffee not in Star Wars mug and the croissants. Then I see small pink present with sparkle bow that remind me of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady (after she get the money). I so excited I want to kiss the lovely man. But before I do so he has removed beard. It is Sven! ‘This is for you, darling Monika,’ he say in soft but deep voice and then is like we doing artificial respiration on each other. Then I remembers present and I opens: I not believe my eyes, is diamond ring! Is pink too and shine so expensive like I am HMH Queen except I don’t think she ever had present so thoughtful. I cry but not so much that I look horrid. Sven, his blue eyes shining so bright we hardly needs other light, put ring on my finger and say: ‘This is for us, there is nobody else. We are together now until the end of time, Happy Christmas greetings, my loved one.’ Then he kisses me again, until I hear other voice screaming. It say: ‘The person who gave me the Harry Potter game is going to be dead meat.’ I now really awake in Crouch End.

6.05. Another scream. Fay say she been hit by Hot Wheels Terrodactyl and she throwing doll presents (not Bratz, cheaper like) at brother. ‘Father Christmas he has many boys and girls to make presents for and lots of chimneys to climb down,’ I say. ‘I expect he sometime make mistakes.’ They look at me as if mad person. I go to Christmas tree to see my present from Sven but I cannot find.

6.30 Peeling potatoes. Most of year English eating from packets and likes one day a year to have better food cooked by non-English person if they be lucky. Bella tell me she not usually bother much but her parents is coming and they expecting ‘all the trimmings.’ They like traditional turkey bird which she say is like big brown baby with plastic bag up itself and everyone is worrying if it fit in oven. I has Delia Smith book, so at least I has someone else to blame. I do not understand Brussels sprouts. If they is doing English food why is they having Belgium food? I do not understand the English.

9.10 Bella and Tom gives me present (like I told you, Dairy Diary). They is not giving each other the gifts, just their love. Fay want to know when her real presents is coming and says she is going on Christmas strike and will not say nothing until she has her Bratz Forever Diamonds Funky Fashion Makeover Doll. ‘How boring is this?’ she say. They has given her water bottle for Maureen and books but they is not even from relatives so has no excuse. Theo he too going on strike: he want Air Hogs Zero Gravity Spin Master, not outfit for Action Man that look as if made by someone’s nan. Sophie, who finally up, has tee shirt that say ‘Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down’ that she must not wear because grandparents is coming. She ask if we know how much extra waste Christmas brings and she will start special re-cycling. When no one is there, I has another look for Sven present: there is nothing. He is in a rush and men is like this, they do not like being long time in shops searching for right present and is never remembering the birthdays either. I hope he like luxury bathrobe from Ikea. I does my snuffling and everyone look at me. I say it is the Brussels sprouts.

10.40. We is watching The Snowman film and all adults is crying as snowman melt. Children is not so worried and Theo he laughing.

12.30 There is long time I not remember. Is just me and Delia Smith in kitchen. So much steam and sweat I not seeing everything so clearly. I is only finding half a Christmas pudding and there is no Christmas cake. There is no other vegetables so I cooks more Brussels. Bella come in but I not worry. She has her own bottle of wine because her parents come. She say they will comment on turkey being too dry and I am not to worry. She tell me Christmas only being kept alive by elderly women who spends all year shopping for it, especially scented drawer liners. She doesn’t give much hope for her generation who wants it all out of M & S chill cabinet, especially with nice glass of Chardonnay and some decent sex at end of it.

1.25 Bella’s parents they comes from Essex (place east of London where the girls wears white clothes and doesn’t like to say no – I tell joke about Essex girls when my English better). Is no nice, polite introduction to me and I not told their names, so in my head I am calling them Mr and Mrs Bella.

He is retired bathroom builder who I do not think Bella wants to mention to friends who has Cath Kidston things. You can tell is traditional meal because Bella put out nice glasses and tell Tom to stop reading newspaper. Is good Theo and Fay not talk as Mr Bella say is like old days when children respect parents and only given tangerine in piece of silver paper. I forget to tell you Eric now arrive. Mr and Mrs Bella is asking him what he does and she say he is alchemist. Bella say he work in Tesco as assistant master baker and is hoping for promotion.

I finally introduced. Mr Bella say he sure I nice person but he think the floodgates open too much and there be no English people left soon. He knows for fact English plumbers is all having to go to North Cyprus to do the villas because of the cheap Polish plumbers and these is people who has been down Twyford Civics all their lives. We all think Tom asleep but he then say so we just carrying on paying arm and leg for British builders who take too much time and leave you with soggy floorboards. I see look on Bella’s face: it not good. Tom then say in any case East European immigrants is highly skilled workforce and make major contribution to UK economy. Mr Bella say it pity then that Tom not making major contribution to UK economy, isn’t it? It good time for serving the traditional English Christmas dinner.

I proud of my turkey bird: at least it is all one. Sophie say she and Eric does not wish to be asked why they is eating cashews and not having dead animals. I now realising I cooks too many Brussels and was not good idea either to bring in Maureen (guinea pig) and feed her them. ‘If I had my way I would get my hands on that Ken Livingstone and I would …’ is saying Mr Bella but then it turn into noise I not heard since Soviet dishwasher at Café Flamingo eat up all dishes. Mr Bella is getting red and more red. Eric rush round and hit him on back, fierce-like. Something come out of mouth. Children say is gross and is plastic bag thing that should have dropped out of bird’s bottom before the cooking. They is all looking at me.

4.30 Everyone is making the snoring sounds. Sophie and Eric looks at me doing funny eye thing. Before we goes out I has last look under Christmas tree. Just in case.

5.20 We is in Highgate Woods. Is cold and dark and sound of rain doing drip, drip on leaves like Estonian forest if you have plenty imagination. Tent bender thing now covered in many leaves and branches so you not know is there. Then some leaves is falling off and door opens. Is Ahmed. He say ‘Hallo, Monika’ and ‘This is nice surprise.’ Mrs Awale, in corner of tent, she smile and say do I want cup of Vanilla and Ginseng there is no Typhoo. Is good no one want personal transformation journey for Pan Pagan Christmas so Mrs Awale and Ahmed can stay in tent. Then Sophie handing out presents. I is recognising half a Christmas pudding, Christmas cake, Harry Potter game and many other things. ‘Sorry, we don’t have things for you,’ says Ahmed with apologies. ‘I hope you have been given many nice things.’ I remembering the before Christmas wishes and Sven and me alone in tent and candle that say our love and hope is everlasting and will never go out. But I remind me we must be thinking of people not so lucky, who is not having set of wooden spoons and oven gloves from my friend Kaja with ribbons added by herself.