No one likes Maureen

School Diary 30 November 2007

Yesteraday Monika took us out. Even Sophie had to come. I saw her tying her belly button ring to the chest of drawers but it didn’t work. We had to promise to be nice to Monika.

First we went to Hamleys. I showed Monika the Collectible Barbie that costs £4,000.00. She said this is what her father earns in a year. Theo asked for five years’ pocket money in one go so that he could have a vintage Chopper, then he made us walk down the Harry Potter staircase even though he doesn’t like Harry Potter. I hate my brother. Then we went to Top Shop, Oxford Street, where we meet another au-pair called Sven. Then we all went to the London Eye, including Sven. Theo made faces at Sven and Monika but I don’t think they noticed.

My parents weren’t talking to each other when we got home. I hope this doesn’t mean they’re going to get divorced as we will then have to have Maureen the guinea pig from school ‘to help us get through a difficult time.’ No one likes Maureen.

I not know where to start, but I start

I not know where to start, but I start
I taking the children into middle part of London. Bella and Tom they needs to be together to discuss things and have their Quality Time. Bella is lighting many aromatherapy candles and they is waving us goodbye in their dressing gowns. Tom he look worried.
I does the non-Quality Time. I never see so many people! We goes to Hamleys toy shop (for children that has everything there is always something more and it always expensive and makes lots of noise). Then we go to Topshop in Oxford Street: is place where everyone go to look like Kate Moss (model look good in grandad’s shorts, she don’t need to go to store). Then big things happen.
BIG THINGS HAPPEN! I see all these nice young men sitting on sofas waiting for their girlfriends in changing rooms and I imagine Sven is waiting for me. Then, oh, no, I see that one is HIM! And then this blonde girl, she so lovely tan, natural, come out in nice green tunic top. She turn round and round in front of him. I greener than cloth. I make to walk away. My heart go down. Why he so nice to me over Cressida kitchen table, then having a blonde in Topshop? I take kaftan in nineteen sixties style and we all goes quick into changing place. I tell Theo to close his eyes. But we soon see note appearing under curtain. It say: ‘Monika – come and meet my sister, Bibi.’
I go out. Sven he say he has enough shopping with his sister, who in London for shopping trip. I is like Japanese flower that been put in glass of water. He ask can he come with me and children – imagine how my heart go up!
We have promise Theo to go in London Eye (this big wheel that go round and
round. You see all over London and let everyone know where your nan live.). We is all going in one capsule when Sophie she see how I like Sven and she make it that we in separate capsule to children – thank you, Sophie, you not know how grateful I am eternally.
I not seen Sven so nervous as when Eye starts. He look at me, his blue eyes so piercing and yet gentle. I wanting them for my bead box.
He say ‘I have to look at you, Monika.’ I say this alright. I hold his hand.
It is cold and wet. He say he has vertigo; if look out will give rise to
vomitous situation. I look him in eyes. He has risked the vomit for me.
Thank you very much my dearest.
He kiss me. He kiss me as ground go away beneath us.He kisses me all 360 degrees. I forget everything, even Cressida. When I look next we is back at start. Is like being in heaven and I forget everything else.
‘I have liked you ever since we first met, Monika,’ he say. I say I like him
too. I wish another 360 degree. I close eyes again. He say there is
something important he want to tell me. It is very good news, he say. He has
been signed up by modelling agency and they has work already for him.
Cressida know someone in agency. It will help pay for his college course when he back in Sweden, but he won’t be so much in Muswell Hill now. I not know whether to be happy or sad.
But is my good-looking boyfriend not going to be famous male model? Is not
we a dream couple like the Poshes and Becks? But then I remembering Mrs Awale. I ask if he doing less in Muswell Hill if she could be doing some of it. He will ask Cressida. He kiss me again. I want it last forever. I not telling him about Arvo Pitkin. Ever.
We go back to Crouch End. There is nice smell of Body Shop at Merryfields but Tom and Bella they is looking depressed. He is reading book on history of Uxbridge. Is not married life as we wish it in Estonia.

Today is maximum worse

Isn’t there Estonian proverb that if everything already bad enough, we shouldn’t worry, will get worse? Today is maximum worse.
I taking Theo after school to birthday party of his friend Josh. On way I meet Mrs Awale and Ahmed who go there too. Mrs Awale look worried. She say she lost her job doing the cleaning at place called Canary Wharf. They say she illegal immigrant because she cannot find piece of paper that say she OK to be here. I feeling extra sorry for her.
I already seen photos of Cressida’s house in magazine (Bella has special copy; I think she would like it to be her home.) House inside is so big and so white and so empty. This is what they calling Minimalism (means you have full time job to hide all your boring bits and pieces). I get to my point: Cressida make it that Harry Potter wizard coming to Josh’s party. He doing party games for hour. Is not resembling other experiences I am hearing of the English children’s party entertainers who are not liking children or have an elastic problem with the beard.
Josh open presents: is biggest set of felt tips in world from us (these are colour pens, really cheap). He excited: many white walls in house. But more excited when open Star Wars light sabre from Ahmed. Ahmed so pleased: he tell us all how he choose present in Oxfam shop (cheap things that nobody wants). Cressida say is Josh’s before – it has his broken bit – she give it to Oxfam. But Josh so pleased to have back and is shooting us. Cressida try to take sabre from Josh, say is old dirty toy, is rubbish. Not proper present. This make me find my courage and I say Mrs Awale she has no money, she done her best. Cressida she stare at me as if toilet seat has spoken.
While children eat I go into kitchen far away from Cressida eyes. Is Harry Potter wizard there. He take off hat and is man so golden and good-looking I think Adonis himself have rival in Sven Appelson. He pour me glass of sherry. We does our toasties. Why does the sherry leave little shiny globes on his wizard beard and what must it feel like when they is licked off?
‘Is good to see you again,’ he say. ‘I been thinking of you.’
I want to know if HE been thinking of me every second, minute, hour, day –
or is I just a reminder like on your email system that pop up now and again?
I say ‘You good wizard but then you is drama student and can do
all parts.’
He change subject and say he so love London, he think of no better place. Is so much happening; it make Stockholm seem like suburb. I say for Estonia too; we more village where people all know your business, how big are the holes in your underwear on washing line and who you will be marrying from day you are born. I blush.
Child rush to sink. She vomit.
‘Is nice sometimes though to do quieter things in London,’ he say. He love we meet at weekend but his time is taken.
Before I have chance to ask him, nice-like, where time is taken up, I hear
‘Sven is so good that we don’t know what we’d do without him.’ Is Her.
Cressida. Up close she look like forty-five years. Has scratched surface like old record. But she dressing like she twenty-five. She think she Madonna. No on tadi!
She send me out of kitchen to organise game. There is twenty under-sixes waiting for me to play game called ‘Twister’. I does it with my arms and legs but I cannot and I is falling over. Everyone is laughing. And then I see her whispering her good wishes in the ear of MY Sven over marble workplace and then they is finding it hilarious too. I feel my heart fall down into my boot.

Dear Father Christmas ...

Dear Father Christmas,

My mother insists we put our Christmas wishes in a letter box with cotton
wool my sister made last year before she discovered Bratz Rock Angels.
If you existed, this is what I'd ask you for…

World peace and for the people of all countries to have enough to eat. This
will be particularly the case when many people seem to have too much to eat
over Christmas – including things like brussel sprouts and those turkeys
with the plastic bags inside which make some of us feel quite sick.
I would like you to send whatever you would spend on me to that man who
stands outside the House of Commons still protesting about the war in Iraq.
He could buy himself a new pup tent or something. He looks like he could do
with a new tee shirt as well. Please use re-cycled wrapping paper.

Why is my mother in such a bad mood by the way?

Peace, love and Buddahood.
Sophie


Dear Father Christmas

I want

Bratz Wintertime Wonderland Ski Lodge
Bratz Salon and Spa
Bratz Runaway Disco
Bratz Limo
Bratz 13” TV
Bratz Lipstick MP3 Player
Bratz Party Plane
Bratz Wild West: Fianna
Bratz Rock Angelz: Chloe
Bratz Big Bayz Spa.

Love
Fay (8 years old)


Dear Father Christmas

I would like these for Christmas …

Doctor Who Dalek Sec Hybrid Voice Changer Mask, Real Arsenal Number 10 shirt, Transformers Movie Leader Optimus Prime, Flytech Dragonfly, Tyco Cyber Shocker, Dinosaur version of Robosapiens, Mortal Kombat TV Game, Radio controlled Mercedes SLR, Z-Rex Blaster, Spiderman Shooter and Mask, Captain Scarlett Skybase, Mighty Monster Truck, No Harry Potter games (these are still just boring games).

From
Theo Markham, age 6


Dear Father Christmas

I wish very much snow like in my country.
A Parka with furry trim
Book on English customs
A cuddle from someone who is kind and looks nice too.

Love
Monika (I nineteen).

Tom, you should have a health warning

Tom, you should have a health warning: ‘ I wear elasticated shoes because I trip over my own laces …’I do career entropy – what do you do in the office?’ There’s a huge Visa bill on the dresser for all the things we can’t afford before Christmas. Please pay it because this may be the last time we are ever able not to afford a hundred and eight Christmas presents equivalent to the GDP of a minor African nation. There’s a gas bill next to it. Please pay that too. I’m going to be late tonight. Some of the younger members of my team have invited me out for a drink. They’re always inviting me out for a drink – because they’re in their twenties and thirties, they’re single and, do you know what, they’re happy, and I’m always saying ‘I’ve got to rush home. I’ve got to check the children have done their homework and that my prat of a husband isn’t just sitting there reading a book on the M11.’ But this time I’ve said yes. Tell Monika Fay needs picking up from Brownies and the Dinosaur Shapes are at the top of the freezer. Have you ever thought about working in a sleep laboratory – or would that take too much energy and initiative?

Bella

Dear Tom

University of Teddington,
Teddington Road
Teddington TW11 OLY

22 November 2007

Dear Tom,

As a valued and long-standing member of the university, you will be aware that we are currently having to assess our priorities in the interests of efficiency and cost-savings.

It is therefore with regret that I have to inform you that, as from the New Year, Middlesex Studies will cease to be offered at the university and existing students will be transferred to the M25: Psycho-Geography and Beyond module.

As the only remaining member of the Middlesex Studies team we would like to thank you for your major contribution to the University of Teddington and wish you well in your future career.

A member of our team will be available to discuss redundancy details and a special free helpline is available to help you examine other career options.

Yours sincerely

pp. Jon Benson, Human Resources Manager, University of Teddington

Tombasin uttu!

My Sven not at school. I see Josh and Cressida who smiles at me. ‘We had a lovely time at Bella and Tom’s,’ she say. ‘It was so nice to sample one of your national dishes - and there’s everyone thinking you only did beetroot.’

Mrs Awale asks if I is having a depression. She ask if I want to come back to where she live and before I know it we are on bus to Finsbury Park. Hers is small flat up many stairs where you not even think there is a room. I see she embarrassed for me to see that she does not have many things but in my experience most English has too much and at least there is plenty charity shops to give all their horrid things.

She make me cup of tea and put arm around me. I see photo on her table. Is nice-looking man with big smile. She say is her husband. ‘Is he out at work?’ I say. She look at photo and tell me he not, he dead. He killed in Somalia by rebel people who want to take over government. She not even know where he buried. Is why she and Ahmed must leave their country fast-like.

I put arm around her now. We is both doing our boo-hooing together, except she only do little cry and she ask me if I am alright. I say it is nothing and she give me another cup of tea. I say we is being like English people who is drinking the tea when they is too embarrassed to say what they really meaning. She say I am trying to be like English person and we both laughing.

I not telling her that I escape from my country too. I not telling her I leave letter for my mother on table to say I go to America with dream of making career in fast-food so she not know where I am. She want me to marry Arvo Pitkin. I not care if he big in fridge magnet business and has loft apartment in downtown Tallinn. He forty years old and big in stomach too, with hairy bits in all places except the head. Is not surprising I run away.Tombasin uttu!

Pan Pagans Winter Solstice Celebration

Bella not talking to Tom. Before she not talking she give list of reasons why she not wishing to have the relations:
1. He talk about Health and Safety meeting at his work last night.
2. He find Simply Red CD behind Jungle Book video.
3. He bring out Spirit of European Co-operation birch liquor from Estonia she saving for sink cleaning.
4. He fall asleep.
5. He has four-inch nostril hair that move when he snore.
6. He ask Antony about crisis of art under hyper-capitalism when everyone discussing Tracey Emin’s Marc Jacobs dress.
7. He mention psycho geography: no one want to hear about sad middle-aged men who is more psychos than geographers.
8. He has not heard of Paris Hilton.
9. He not need to mention that her parents has connection with central heating and comes from Essex.
10. He always like to remind everyone in public of this fact because his mother is half-timbered in Oxfordshire.
If Bella see how her husband being wiped by Cressida, ex-neighbour, I think she not talking forever.

Sophie give me big hug today. Money this Antony man put in her bowl pay for leaflets she and Eric needing.
‘Oh, Monika, ‘ she say giving me extra kisses, ‘Eric really thinks he has found a way to save the world from the excesses of advanced consumer capitalism at this time of the year. We just needed better marketing, that was all.’

Pan Pagans now is your chance to re-connect with the season’s true meaning
Winter Solstice Celebration
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21 – 31 December
Experience days and nights in the wood with like-minded people exploring
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Activities include:
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Quality Vegan food. Wellingtons and sleeping bag essential
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Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period

Bella tell me she and Tom not had dinner party for long historical period. But is glad they have found way round it. Is called Monika.

Bella invite used-to-be neighbours, Cressida and Antony Self, they moved to
Muswell Hill (has SpaceNK: it say you are better class of person). Cressida is interior designer, mainly on own house, who persuade Bella to have dildo rail. She gives her flowers and say, ‘I hope they go with your latest colour scheme, Bella.. I seem to remember you had a serious flirtation with yellow but I know how most of our colour palettes have gone and exploded.’ He is TV producer for programmes where fat people crying because they cannot be top models. I never seen so much white on persons except at Eurovision Song Contest when our Ruffus think he Tony Christie. Cressida shop at shop called White in Marrowbone High Street. Bella does her tut-tut thing as Tom late arriving because of Health and Safety meeting and still wear old shirt and hairy tie which Cressida lean over for examination. She wear not very protective Wonderbra as we can all see

I certainly learning a lot if I ever wish to make my own English dinner party. First you must discuss special subjects, all very important: like ‘house price’ (you must pretend feel sorry for first-time buyer who cannot afford to pay your high prices), ‘the government’ (everyone is against it but they do not know if they can vote for the one after the bald one, sorry I do not know his name) and ‘congestion charges’ (everyone support it but say should not have to pay for essential trip, like when go to Selfridges).

It not my fault if Crab Linguini become small and hard in oven. I try to think what my mother do in this situation; she probably cry or sing Estonian national anthem so not helpful. But then I has BIG IDEA and am remembering national starter, Pork Sult in jelly. I tell everyone we has Crab Bruschetta in Mint Jelly – is only kind of jelly I find in fridge. I say is Estonian dish that fuel our independence movements. They chewing for long, long while, which is good as no one may say how it will be digested, then Cressida say ‘You won’t believe the wonderful food my au-pair, Sven, makes,’ and she describe vision of loveliness that is HIM. She cannot imagine what she did before: he is so caring and they have this special relationship. Is like she has dropped bomb straight on my head. She make me fear for poor Sven. She Hannibal Lecter when it come to innocent young man I sure. I see her husband Antony doing thing with eye at me. When I remember English word for it I ask him if he do a lot of wanking. Bella apologise. ‘Just a little misunderstanding,’ she say to guests. ‘She’s from Estonia.’

But then is sound of child screaming. I remember that I am Life in Bella’s Life-Work Balance and life is needing me upstairs.

The screaming is from Theo. He has nightmare that Arsenal loses to
Teddington Wanderers and so he wetted himself. I change him and take wet
pyjama to bathroom, but on landing I hear sound of humming. There is smell of joss stick. Sophie is in bedroom next door that say ‘Beware All Ye Who Enter Here’. She with Shiva Eric. I join them in circle round red lava lamp where they is humming like the bumble bees. ‘It’s for love and prosperity, Monika,’ Sophie say. Eric tell me they plan for Christmas. Except not with baby Jesus and tinsel but Pan Pagan and Winter Solstice celebrations. Is in special tent thing called bender in a wood. But they is still needing money for their leaflet thing.

On my way to bathroom there is suddenly hand on my upstairs parts. It is this Antony, husband of Cressida. I scream and am putting wet pyjamas on his face. Then Sophie she out of bedroom and giving Kung Fu to his downstairs parts. He shouting ‘Stop stop – are you weapon of mass destruction?’. She say she let everyone know what he do unless he give big donation to her dharma charity bowl. Is first time I seen him look nervous. He put money in, lot of money.

Downstairs I see Tom and Cressida together in kitchen. She has hand I can only say on his private place. Tom look surprised. ‘I’m only helping him wipe off some spilt food. Can you pass the tea towel?’ she say. I think she look like woman who has more than J Cloth on mind. In England couples only seem to enjoy selves when they not with person they married to. I not surprised so many of the English couples is being divorced. Only reason they have wedding is to pretend they is Pete and Jordan for one day in OK Magazine and is given a toaster

I learning more about the English than I expect. Is what is called steep learning curve. I think I is going right up curvy bit.

Have marked recipe in Nigella Lawson

Re. tonight’s dinner party, have marked recipe in Nigella Lawson. (She very famous English cookery, er, person. Monika, why am I starting to sound like you?). Theo only allowed to watch American Wrestling if does piano practice. Make sure children in bed by time I get home. Terminator 2 as special treat. Remember fish fingers.
Sorry, page 29. Crab Linguini.

Bella x


Hide the Simply Red CDs. (picture of man called Mick Hucknell in white suit). Remember to light John Galliano candle as soon as fish fingers over. Check kids have done minimum homework – do not do Fay’s for her this time. Teacher suspects her encyclopaedic knowledge of Estonian needlework. And under no circumstances offer Theo’s Bob the Builder biscuits to guests. They are part of his introduction to Life Skills and he hasn’t yet mastered washing the hands or removing the black bits. Sophie has Eric visiting this evening. Keep her bedroom door open at all times!

Bella.


I happy in Tesco (supermarket, most of depressed people in Crouch End are here, I think). This is because I doing shopping for dinner party and imagine I is famous cook like Nigella Lawson who wear pretty dress and is doing cookery for our dinner party. Then I remember it is me and my face soon as long as my father’s when he hears Soviet Union no more and will not take his beetroots for burning in power stations no longer. My breathing funny like dog you leave in hot car.

‘Follow your breath slowly - and relax each part of your body as you move on Life’s Journey.’ I hear voice from loudspeaker thing that just now saying breaded chicken wings.
‘We are only grains of sand in existence’s big quarry. We should remember this at every moment, Monika.’
Is Shiva Eric. He wearing white coat and hat and his badge say: Eric Bassett, Assistant Master Baker.
He put down microphone and put arm around me.
‘It’s important to see the symbolic significance of what we are afraid of.’
‘Mainly poisoning English family and finding even dog owners in Polva do not want me anymore,’ I say.
‘Will Eric Bassett please go to fresh curry immediately and then see the duty supervisor,’ says another microphone voice.
‘None of us can escape our spiritual destinies,’ he say. He go off to fresh curry. I think he trying to tell me something.

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven

I not believing it. I arriving at school and there is Sven. He waits for me. He stand there and I not believing my eyes. But then I see he there with Josh and other parents too. Mrs Willoughby she say, ‘We have a minor flood. It looks as if a mixed infant with behavioural problems got in and turned the taps on when the cleaner took the rubbish out. It shows all the signs of an ex-Montessori child whose mother won’t have Gina Ford in the house.’ Their teacher look like candle that almost completely melted now.
‘We can still go to our café,’ says Sven. ‘We will just have to bring along the children.’
‘It it organic?’ says Josh. ‘I’m only allowed to have things that are orange and don’t taste very nice.’
Fay want to sit with me and Sven as we have our coffees. The boys go away to play Killer Pharoahs under tables because they dressed for Ancient Egyptians (wearing bin bags and things from Claire’s Accessories)
‘There is not many boy au-pairs I is knowing,’ I say.
‘Cressida asked for a Swedish male au-pair,’ he say. ‘She thinks Swedes are all middle-class and don’t have any social problems, and a man is less likely to be crying for his mother. It just happened that I wanted a year off in London before the final year of my course. Are you doing a course in Estonia?’
‘I is delaying it, ‘ I tell him with nervousness.
‘What is it in?’ he say.
‘It is general,’ I say.
‘I thought it was needlework,’ Fay tell him. ‘ Monika did all my homework the other night.’
‘She six,’ I remind him. ‘She want to read Bratz book in bag.’
‘What do you like least about being an au-pair, Monika?’ he ask.
I not even thinking as I say, ‘I not like it when the Markhams they walk around in their underclothing. I think how would they like it if I did it to them?’
He smile and is silent for a while. ‘That is funny, Monika, but I have the same problem with Cressida. I think she wear nice pants but I do not want to see them, especially when we are alone in the house.’
Is then my frothy coffee is spilling out at thought of this woman alone with handsome young Swede man.
‘But it is not for too long, ‘ he say.
‘No,’ I reply.
‘I am quite busy at the moment but I would like very much for us to go to an English pub soon. I expect you are busy too.’
‘She isn’t,’ say Fay. ‘She sits on the funny bed in the attic and cries because she wants a boyfriend except she tells my mother it’s because she’s homesick. So I expect she can do any evening when you’re free, I shouldn’t worry too much.
‘I shall pay,’ say Sven.
‘He probably has a pretty girlfriend in Sweden, Monika. He’s only being nice to you,’ Fay say.
I kick Fay under table only I am hitting my toe instead.

I nervous that I meet Sven

I nervous that I meet Sven. But instead I meet Theo’s friend Ahmed on way to school. He nice boy from a country that I know not UK but who say he really Bart Simpson. He say I look like Marge Simpson and I not know if he being rude or not. Person carrying all his bags and lunch box (The Simpsons) behind him is his mother. She nice person too. ‘I am not speaking the Englishes as good as my son,’ she say with apologetics. ‘He let me know what most things mean. But we is none of us knowing this.’ She show me school letter about the Red Nose Day. I say I not know either unless it about the red noses we gets in my country after National Liberation Day. I do not think she has the Estonian sense of humour.

Mrs G, lollipop lady, she waving to us and take us to middle of road where she is stopping and showing us her hole. She not minding that cars are doing much bibbing. Is now a cabbage and part of person’s curry meal. ‘It’s shaping up nicely,’ she say and sing song called Irish Rover that I tell Mrs Ahmed is about Irish dog called Rover and is very sad I think. Is then He walk past with boy Josh. He say hallo but what kind of hallo is it? I think it is not HALLO! or even H-A-L-L-O! but just little hallo. I think I am wearing new smock top (£8.99, H&M) and best jeans just to look at cabbage in hole. I cannot run after him because Mrs G is discovering that Mrs Ahmed come from Finsbury Park too and they want to do the talking. All I can think is that cabbage is wish come true from fairy godmother, who cannot always give the big prizes. I should be grateful. But then Sven come back. He say sorry he is doing the rushing but will I have drink with him tomorrow night. I say yes, yes, yes, yes, is much better than cabbage. He look at me strange like.

The people here does not have normal lives

The people here does not have normal lives like those in Estonia. I imagine if my parents never came back from jobs until late in evenings and strange person is seeing if my Cabbage Patch Doll is on right side of bed and then checking to see if I alive, when she remember. But then I suppose my mother not have nice Smeg fridge or emergency holidays in place called Centre Park so she be very depressed person here in UK.

Is early home for Tom and Bella tonight (Bella read Theo story about the Horrid Henry but he say this boy is gay. I not understand this.) It seem as if Tom, who has very big job as lecturer in M.25 Studies at University of Teddington, is going to sleep as is usual, but Bella she shake him.
‘I thought we should do some entertaining,’ she say.
He look up sudden, as if some electricity it been put into his body.
‘I thought that’s what you said. We went to a Neighbourhood Watch meeting earlier this year,’ he reply.
I watch Bella try not to look cross; I tell this is not first time.
‘Oh, don’t worry, no one’s expecting you to do anything. You can just sit there and moan about peer reviewing. But I do occasionally need to meet people when I’m not (a) obviously pre-menopausal and rushing to catch a bus; (b) putting out the rubbish; (c) telling Jehovah’s Witnesses that I’m a Darwinian-Marxist-Buddhist.’
‘Does than mean the Selfs?’
‘If it’s escaped your attention we haven’t seen Cressida and Antony since the PTA Flamenco and Car Boot Sale Evening last July. They are our ex-neighbours.’
‘’I think you’ll find they did a runner to Muswell Hill for a reason.’
‘You know Cressida told us it was nothing personal - they needed to invest the production company money and she was gutted to move away from her old friends.’
Tom makes spluttering noise that sound as if he is too late for the tissue.
‘Just don’t say anything, alright, then we’ll have a perfectly good evening.’
‘I don’t know who’s going to do all the preparations. We haven’t got the time.’
Bella look in my direction and does her smiling.
‘I’m sure Monika will welcome the chance to organise a dinner party. It will be an exciting introduction to the way we English like entertaining.’
Tom make another spluttering noise. I not think that nice.

Make sure Sophie's bedroom is kept open

Please make sure Sophie’s bedroom door is kept open at all times
Bella

Bella and Tom is late doing important working and I am cooking the Turkey Twizzlers for us all (I now know how to cook my first English dish) and the broccoli. Theo say he only allowed to eat vegetables if he watch American Wrestling on TV. I say maybe later if he does homework. We watches Hollyoaks programme altogether. It is about blonde teenagers who is doing the crying every episode. Fay ask if we have programmes like this in Estonia. I tell her we might have fall of Communism but we not ready for moody girls in quarter of a dress who has crisis because they not blonde enough.

When it is time for homework Theo tell me he has already made his Bob the Builder biscuits for Life Skills, so he can watch TV. Fay say she has to write about something that interest her, except that nothing does. I cross and tell her she has plenty opportunities and because we cannot think of nothing else she writes on Estonian needlework. I ask Theo about his friend Josh and their au-pair. He say Sven is nice man who let them play Ninja fighters on his back. I not ask six year-old if he has regular girlfriend who is over five-foot and look like Paris Hilton.

Is then I remember Sophie upstairs (where she eat vegetarian food). What if bedroom door has closed itself? What if she and boyfriend has already run away to go to Glastonbury Festival like Bella says they must never do? Is funny smell outside room like you have been in a church too long. Is funny sound too like you has plaster over mouth and cannot do the proper talking. Is so dark in her room and only light is purple lamp called larva. They are sitting on floor making the OMMMMMMMMMMM noise.

‘We’re doing transcendental meditation to re-unite ourselves with the Mother Goddess,’ whispers Sophie and ask me to join them.
She introduce me to her boyfriend. She say his name is Shiva Eric and he is seventeen.
‘Eric thinks a lot of the world’s problems come from the fact that we don’t know ourselves,’ she say.
Eric is ommming loudly so good chance he knows himself very well.
‘He’s just started life-coaching and we’re both hoping for some very big things.’
She give me card.
Is now I see Eric better and I know I see him before. He serve me sliced bread in supermarket and is wearing hair net, I tell Sophie.
‘Unfortunately he still has to work in Tesco for the time being. He sees the malaise of advanced western capitalism every day as an assistant master baker.’
I is sympathising.

Shiva Eric – Transformational Change Through Interactive Analysis
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‘The train at the end of the tunnel is only a rainbow coming’ –
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Theo must have his Probiotic Rice Krispies

Monika –
Apologies for note – early morning meeting. Hope everything I said last night made sense. Here are some extra notes to help you:
1. Theo must have his Probiotic Rice Krispies (can no longer claim to be choking on free gift – has swallowed this already)
2. Fay will claim she has a nut allergy and can’t eat school lunches. Don’t believe her.
3. Wake Sophie up and frisk for body piercings (pieces of metal in unexpected places, you will need to check her all over)
4. Theo’s homework is behind toilet cistern
5. Please make sure Fay takes Diary of Anne Frank to school and not Christina Aguilera’s Diary (latter is pink).
6. Toaster on high means house on fire
7. Theo’s class dressing up as favourite character for Literacy Hour. Give him black dustbin bag.
8. Sophie must do games – bad astral projection no excuse
9. Wake up Tom – if you can.
Good luck,
Bella

Today is day at school. Children tell me it is not but I know truth. Bella leave early but Tom is still in bed (I think). Sophie say she is allowed to have row of safety pins down clothes and goes early by herself. Fay say she is not talking to anyone in house and I am lucky one..

For safeness we cross road with Lollipop Lady (her sign is like a lollipop – is not a lollipop herself). She have big cover-up coat yellow like canary. A nice lady called Mrs G.
Mrs G she like to walk out in front of these big cars called Four by Fours with her lollipop. It seem most English children goes to school in car and any still walking is afraid of being knocked down by them. Is first person I seen smiling here in England.

‘What’s your name, dear?’ she ask in voice that children tell me is Irish
‘Do you want to see my hole?’ Is one of many big holes in road. We look. Is full of the Macdonald’s wrappers. ‘It’s the Council,’ she say and is nodding her head. But if you make a wish and put it in my hole it’ll come true.’ Is English custom, I am supposing. I will come back later with many wishes. I tell her. Theo, he wave at friends in these big cars called 4 x 4. They make sign back with finger. Is English sign, I think.

I leave Theo with his teacher Mrs Willoughby (if you ever seen candle burning at both ends you have right picture of this poor woman. I think she melt to nothing by next week.). Fay meet another girl and is gone. But as I say my bye byes I is given a vision of loveliness greater than when George Clooney first appear on Tallin TV. He about ten feet tall – he a GIANT GOD, I am dwarf – so blonde and with gentle tan that is not the St Tropez from shop. When my friend Kaja says her Mart is handsome I think the King Kong is the nearest in the comparison tables.

‘I am Sven Appelson,’ he say. He speak to me and hold out his hand! I remember my own name after while and I am telling him. He deep voice like Darth Vader, except I not scared. ‘I am au-pair of Josh, Theo’s friend.’ He drama student from Stockholm here for year to improve his English. ‘I have urgent business but we meet again,’ he tell me. I know we must. Is like Song Square in Tallinn as we starting our Singing Revolution! I feel iron destiny of Estonia history that does all its pulsating in me ferocious-like and I has not even made my wish in hole of Mrs G yet!

Bella would like to apologise

Bella would like to apologise for her comment about Gorbachev last night. She now realizes why he is not popular in Estonia, given that he was your country’s oppressor. It was difficult for us in Britain only seeing him on Channel Four News. She should have stopped at three Pinots.

Tom

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan!

I make it! I arrive in London like my plan! I au-pair for Markham family, Bella and Tom and children Theo (6), Fay (8) and Sophie (14). I feel already million miles from my country, although is only 3-hour Easy Jet plane. (I thank my best friend Kaja for thrombosis socks you knit but I not needing them this time). I have determination for being BEST Estonian au-pair ever in Crouch End!

I can use family computer while all out. I write in English and emailing to Kaja for improving both our Englishes.

They such a busy family, these Markhams, that already I not know if they or I is a coming or going, though I have idea who must do big pile of washing up and ironing. Lillegi liigutama!

I not often seeing Tom (quiet lecturer person) or Bella (not quiet): she does big something in advertising in nice business woman’s suit called Prada and leave house early. They need a Monika to make sure the children is going to school and not just reading the Heat magazine to see if Jennifer Anniston too fat or thin or watching the Willy Wonka 128 times. I having lot of responsibility. I worry I not tell truth of my experiencing children. Only Kaja know I only do the dog-sitting in Polva.

They give me small room at top of house where keeps their old things e.g. Barbie Castle, old computer, kilt (is Scottish skirt with furry thing in front). I have Holly Hobbie duvet like when I was six which mean I not so homesick.

When parents go next door to have argument is my big opportunity to talk to children proper. Fay say ‘Mum and Dad think you are strange. They wonder if everyone from Estonia is funny like you?’ But Fay and Theo likes me they say because I am midget (nasty word means small) but I say I am five foot in my reindeer tights and I taller than them so they must know who is boss. They tell me their parents is not affording me so easy but it got that ‘enough was enough’ when they so late one night Fay has to go with teacher to her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I only worry when they say they are hungry. I not know what to do.

Welcome, I hope we're going to like you.

To Monika
Welcome. I hope we’re going to like you.
Lots of love
Fay, Sophie, Theo (call me Thierry Henry), Tom, Bella (sorry about the card, it was all they had) xxxx